Hello

It's me again. The me who is fragile, not fragile like a flower but like a bomb, set to go off. The suspense is mounting, the fuse is lit and it's going to go off. I countdown the seconds like fireworks because once I reach this point there is no stopping me. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Explosion. Now there is no real bomb going off, nobody is in danger of being hurt. The only explosion is the one that I feel in my body. The moment the dark creeps in. The moment when all the progress I have made, is in jeopardy. If I am really honest, this wasn't a small moment. As I read the labels on my medication my last fill was in December. It is now the end of February. Did you know you have mental illness and you don't fill your prescriptions some insurance companies will call your dr and let them know you didn't fill your meds? I know now. There was a moment when I sat in an appointment and my doctor opened with " Your insurance company let me know you have n

Outwardly I am calm. I go most places in public presentable dressed, I put on lipstick for those outings I think I need to impress someone and I force a smile. Inside, inside, I think this person hates me. I think this person is disappointed in me. I am failing. I messed up. I am a horrible parent. How am I ever going to fit in and be normal? Why do I have a panic attack when my neighbor and his buddies are loud and yell at each other outside? Why is my fight, flight, freeze, so messed up. I want to shave my head because my scalp itches because I am stressed but don't want to seem crazy. I am crazy. Shut up you are not. You are a normal person. No wait normal people don't freak out over these things. Oh hell now I am talking to myself in my head. The dull ache in the back of my head starts. There is panic running through my whole body. I see the vibrations in the air with every noise. Damnit I am losing this battle again. I want to win the war. Will the world every be won