The Storm Within
Outwardly I am calm. I go most places in public presentable dressed, I put on lipstick for those outings I think I need to impress someone and I force a smile.
Inside, inside, I think this person hates me. I think this person is disappointed in me. I am failing. I messed up. I am a horrible parent. How am I ever going to fit in and be normal? Why do I have a panic attack when my neighbor and his buddies are loud and yell at each other outside? Why is my fight, flight, freeze, so messed up. I want to shave my head because my scalp itches because I am stressed but don't want to seem crazy. I am crazy. Shut up you are not. You are a normal person. No wait normal people don't freak out over these things. Oh hell now I am talking to myself in my head.
The dull ache in the back of my head starts. There is panic running through my whole body. I see the vibrations in the air with every noise.
Damnit I am losing this battle again. I want to win the war. Will the world every be won?
These thoughts have taken place in a matter of minutes.
Now imagine hours of the day with your brain operating like this. You do your daily tasks, answer the phone calls, make the phone calls. You take care of a toddler. You do the appointments. You await the arrival of the middle child off the bus. You make dinner, you do the night routine, you bath them, you tuck them in.
You fall asleep at 7:30 p.m, after only being awake for 12 or 13 hours, feeling like you ran a full marathon. Disappointed in yourself that you couldn't do more.
You wake up in the morning and do this all over again. This last for days.
This is how I have spent my last 10 days.
I am acutely aware that there are things I am starting to loose my ability to do. These are my warning signs, I am sleeping more. I am forgetting more. I can't focus well. I am anxious. I am always tired. I am just not enough.
I am still here. Still fighting. Still holding on to that thread.
Inside, inside, I think this person hates me. I think this person is disappointed in me. I am failing. I messed up. I am a horrible parent. How am I ever going to fit in and be normal? Why do I have a panic attack when my neighbor and his buddies are loud and yell at each other outside? Why is my fight, flight, freeze, so messed up. I want to shave my head because my scalp itches because I am stressed but don't want to seem crazy. I am crazy. Shut up you are not. You are a normal person. No wait normal people don't freak out over these things. Oh hell now I am talking to myself in my head.
The dull ache in the back of my head starts. There is panic running through my whole body. I see the vibrations in the air with every noise.
Damnit I am losing this battle again. I want to win the war. Will the world every be won?
These thoughts have taken place in a matter of minutes.
Now imagine hours of the day with your brain operating like this. You do your daily tasks, answer the phone calls, make the phone calls. You take care of a toddler. You do the appointments. You await the arrival of the middle child off the bus. You make dinner, you do the night routine, you bath them, you tuck them in.
You fall asleep at 7:30 p.m, after only being awake for 12 or 13 hours, feeling like you ran a full marathon. Disappointed in yourself that you couldn't do more.
You wake up in the morning and do this all over again. This last for days.
This is how I have spent my last 10 days.
I am acutely aware that there are things I am starting to loose my ability to do. These are my warning signs, I am sleeping more. I am forgetting more. I can't focus well. I am anxious. I am always tired. I am just not enough.
I am still here. Still fighting. Still holding on to that thread.
Comments
Post a Comment