What If

     I live in a strange bubble, those who are in my niche little communities know me as this voice, they know me as this strong advocate. In real life, it's comical how quickly I can sit in the background and not be seen or acknowledged. Sometimes I feel like I live a double life in this bubble, the struggle to be seen and the struggle to not want to be seen can be an interesting balance. I know at almost 40 I feel like I should have this a bit more figured out, but then again, does anybody know what they are doing honestly?

 I feel everything and nothing. 

I am strong but yet weak. 

I am caring but yet I can be petty and sometimes vengeful. 

I am honest but can mask a thousand things when I need to. 

I want to be loved but live by the motto, leave before you are left. 

I want to be seen but yet I like to hide in the back of the room when I am unsure. 

I want everything but feel like I am deserving of nothing. 

I can be outgoing and more depressed then you will ever know. 

I am calm and a tornado of emotions. 

I can be the most helpful person and be made out to be a villain. 

I am loyal but I can reach a point, where I am done and you probably wouldn't know it. 

I look well but my health especially lately, has me barely functioning. 

I love more then I should, and hate myself more then I should. 

    What if growing up just means we accept we will never have all the answers. What if growing up means we just accept it's never going to go as planned. What if, what if, growing up means we just accept we are forever a work in progress, and that's okay.