The Year of Goodbye

 The year of 2024 has been the year of death and goodbye. There are 12 months in a year, we just started December, and the number of people who meant something to me who we said our final goodbye's to is currently 11, ELEVEN. I'm going to spend the next month on pins and needles just trying to figure out if we hit 12. That's a lot of death. 

One person I remember driving home from a vacation and getting the news. One I knew was sick and was going to go. One person, had cut me out of her life years ago, but on legal paperwork I was the last one listed, and I wrote her obituary. One person who passed, it was the closing to a horrible rotten chapter that I don't have to live through anymore. A few were sudden and surprising. A few lost their battles to addictions. 

This is the year I walk away from far more jaded then I started. This is the year on top of losing people to death, friendships were severed, lines were crossed, and there is no going back. I am far to grown to stay in relationships with people who don't respect me or care. I am so tired of begging people to include me, to make an attempt to check on me, to just be there for me when I need someone. This is year I felt alone. 

I literally spent half the year sick, not even kidding. My seizures got worse before they got a bit better. I picked up a few more diagnosis. My Migraine days, I hit 4 months of days with a Migraine. I am at two months worth of days with my mystery stomach ailment. 

There was managing the kids, the drama in their worlds too. School with my kids can be a love and hate relationship and the start of the year of 2024 till the end of the 2024 school year, was rough for one kid in particular. Having kids with differing abilities, there's always more appointments, more struggles, there is just more. I wouldn't change my kids for anything though, they are good kids. The bitterness makes the sweet sweeter, and home is their safe space, always and forever. Momma can't fix everything but she will try, and they know home is where they can be them. I can't give them perfection, but I can give them love, I can show them it may be tough but together we are in this. 

It was a rough year between the deaths, the health issues, and the chaos that is my world, there were some really fun moments. There was some really happy memorable moments. There was the vacation. There was watching a family member get married who I never expected to. There was stepping back into a role of leadership. There was some highs. 

I'm hoping we end the year on a high. I think I had enough lows this year I really need a win here. This was the year of struggles, and I am not sure how I managed to women up and push through it all, but I am here. I am far more jaded, I am far less trusting, my circle of friends is so small it's damn near a dot. I'm still trying, not sure why, but I am. 

So universe, I send this out to, 2024, can it go out quietly? Please. I just want a break from the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal.