Hello

 Grief.  I pause after I say that because usually grief comes after you loose someone, they pass on, they go to whatever gods or powers you believe in. For some the grief is a hard closure from sickness. For some grief is sudden.  But what about grief from a moment in time when your whole world changed? The grief from a trauma, to a time when you were happier, or healthier, or had your life more together.  Grief from a moment in time brings up all kinds of questions like did I deserve this? Am I the one to blame ( yes these are two different questions)? Why me? Why now? How do I move forward? How do I want to handle this? Who do I tell? Currently I am grieving a few things. Both have to do with change, both are out of my control, and at this very moment, both have me crying while I type. Right now my life has taken a different path, just when I thought I had my shit together, I have a seizure. Just when I was doing well with responsibilities, and being level headed, they have to pull m

 As the news creeps slowly into my news feeds about Gabby, I take pause before I open anything.  Trigger Warning: Physical, domestic, and every other type of abuse might be mentioned.  I put the trigger warning, because I need the trigger warning myself. Some find the words trigger warning to be those for the weak, and I have to stifle an angry laugh. I am not weak because I need a trigger warning, I survived. I survived.  For me a series of bad relationships was set off by sexual trauma. I seemed to be lost in the trauma and unable to move forward I kept picking the wrong situation. It lead to abuse from more then one person, and more then one kind.  I am not a small women, never have been, I may be short, but my weight is up there. I wouldn't say that I am easy to push around either, but I have been. I can't stand my neck being touched, because I have been picked up by the neck and held up in the air. My toes did not touch ground until I told an ex I loved him. I didn't l

 It has been a good chunk of time since I wrote. A lot of things have happened.  My Dad had some health issues, I had to re-live my fear of losing him. That man is on borrowed time already, but the powers at be have decided he has more time. It was hard mentally for me to go through that. All those feelings from so many years ago came flooding back. I don't do well when I have no control over a situation, and that was definitely one I struggled with.  I did something brave too, I am chair of a NH organization. It is crazy to think, that me, ME, the wallflower, found a voice. In some of my circles, I AM the loud voice too. It's crazy and beautiful, hard and rewarding, it gives me life and infuriates me. It's my passion and I don't know how to quiet that voice anymore. It is the strongest part of me besides the Momma Dragon mode.  My Tall Kid has been doing well. He has an interview for a place closer to home. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, every damn body part you can.

There have been some thoughts rolling around in my head again. I always feel better when I write it. However, a lot of people don't know this about me.  First I am going to open with a trigger warning about eating disorders. If you or someone you know have an eating disorder, or you suspect someone does, here is a link I found that has some resources: https://cedm-inc.com/resources/ .  Any body ( space there on purpose) can have an eating disorder. It doesn't matter your gender, your age, your lifestyle, or your economic status, it can happen. You can be thin or you can be obese and still, in fact have an eating disorder.  I have been overweight most of my life. I have had unhealthy relationships with food. I have had unhealthy food idols. I also have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. It no longer sits in my medical chart, but it doesn't mean that I don't struggle. Recovery isn't linear.  Yes, you can be overweight and have an eating disorder. Having more wei