Grief the Monster

 Grief. 

I pause after I say that because usually grief comes after you loose someone, they pass on, they go to whatever gods or powers you believe in. For some the grief is a hard closure from sickness. For some grief is sudden. 

But what about grief from a moment in time when your whole world changed? The grief from a trauma, to a time when you were happier, or healthier, or had your life more together. 

Grief from a moment in time brings up all kinds of questions like did I deserve this? Am I the one to blame ( yes these are two different questions)? Why me? Why now? How do I move forward? How do I want to handle this? Who do I tell?

Currently I am grieving a few things. Both have to do with change, both are out of my control, and at this very moment, both have me crying while I type. Right now my life has taken a different path, just when I thought I had my shit together, I have a seizure. Just when I was doing well with responsibilities, and being level headed, they have to pull me off one of my meds that holds me together. Just when I feel like I got this. Just when I feel strong. 

In a way, both of these things are connected, but they aren't. They just happened to hit my life at the same time. I have been trying to hard to keep all these balls I had in this juggling act up in the air, but they are starting to fall out of sync. My arms are tired. There are too many of them now. 

I grieve. I grieve the loss of feeling like I was getting somewhere. I grieve the loss of freedom and being able to drive myself and do little errands. I grieve my loss of independence. I grieve my confidence. I grieve the feeling of being whole. 

I grieve. I grieve till the tears run dry. I grieve till the sobs till silent. I grieve. 

Give me strength and grace in this moment, because I am not done grieving yet. One moment has put me on a whole different path, and right now I can only grieve this one thing. 

Grief is a monster, much like the one that lives in my head, and is best friends with depression. Grief sucks. Grief is the moment I have to wallow in at this moment. I need to feel this. I need to challenge Grief, because once I get the strength again, Grief, I am coming to kick your ass. For now you win. I am too weak to keep fighting Grief. 

Grief.