Hello

 There have been some thoughts rolling around in my head again, and I think I need to get them out. I might swear a wee bit, because well I fell it is warranted given the last six weeks.  I will start here and then move on to the deeper stuff. I find great amusement, that out of ALL, and I mean ALL the shit I have been through, it was the year 2020 I get an ulcer. Of all the moments to get it, it is the year I invested in myself, and really attempted to take care of me and becoming healthier. THIS is the moment, I get a freaking ulcer. 2020, you owe me a beer, no a pretty drink in a fun cup, heavy on the alcohol.  I have learned that I tend to let people in who are "broken", who like me need someone else to be there for them. I however tend to let the wrong people in. I give too much, and it's exhausting. My mom refers to these people as emotional and or energy sucking vampires.  To my surprise, this year, I walked into a little group of people, who actually give a shit.

 It's been a while since I wrote. It's been a process of fighting demons in my head, in my heart, and in my relationships. Growth of emotions has got me to a point where I can write. Old habits die hard is what creates the block of writing. The monsters in my head are fighting my sanity to gain control. My sanity is getting tired. So damn tired. Seasonal depression is a bitch. It's often the strongest part of my brain when the days get colder and shorter.  I am fighting the monsters in my head while taking care of kids. I am playing lawyer, and advocate. I am still apart of groups, I am still an election official. I am still doing training for that, workshops for some of the other things I do because it feeds my soul, and trying to stay sane.  Recently my biggest struggle has been bullying. I would think at almost 40 that this wouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. When you grow up in a small town, I think it hurts worse. There are less places to hide. There are less c

There's a packet on my kitchen table. This one has nothing to do with the kids. This packet almost feels like it decides my future. Like all the possibilities live within those twenty papers. That is just the start. Twenty papers isn't a big deal right?  What if in those twenty papers held the key to your success for a healthy future? What in those twenty pages was everything you have tried and failed? What if in those twenty papers is a commitment unlike any ( not even marriage) you have made before? What if it's the hardest thing you have ever tried to do? In that folder sits my bariatric paperwork. In that folder sits forms I will have to fill out and then appointments I will have to make. In that folder sits my best opurtunity to keep all my limbs. In the folder sits my best opportunity to stop my knee pain.  It would be AMAZING not to hurt every day. Yes I could get a shot in my knee, but it's easier to grow numb to the pain. I get used to it it's normal pain r

I have sat on the sidelines for so long, I don't remember what game I am waiting to play. This is how I feel about 90% of my friendships. If I am good enough to be your friend during hard times why shut me out during the good times? How come I get you at your worst? Why am I not worthy of your best? What does this say about me? What does this say about you? There are people I will love forever. They are people who I am honestly just cool with being passing friends, BUT if you hold my secretes, and I hold yours, we are not passing friends. I expect more from these people. I want to be liked so bad sometimes I let people in who I shouldn't. They use me and drop me. They don't seem to acknowledge the good I have done for them. I am easily replaceable to these people. Then when they grow tired of the replacement,  I let them back into my world, because that is what friends do right? At what point in a friendship do you walk away? How do you set up boundaries? I h

I have started this piece and deleted it a million times in my head, and four times in my attempts to get the right words. You see I find myself in new territory. I find myself struggling not to go backwards. The new me, this me, is trying really hard to stop and think, and if my kids ever read this, yes children, same thing I tell you. I told you I understood, and it's because you are me, in some way or another, ALL THREE of you have me in your personality. This new me is learning to set boundaries, and not to need the last word, I love having the last word, but it shouldn't be at the cost of someone else's feelings or emotions. I don't have to be an ass.  I did something this week, I was so excited. I posted about it on Facebook. It was something positive. It was something I never thought I would do. It was something that almost didn't happen because I let other people get in my head.  I'm not sure where my post took a turn, I am not sure why peopl

As most of us sit in some version of "shelter in place" the thoughts swarm in my head. The words I don't want to say out loud, are about to hit this screen with the clacks of the keyboard. Writing is my therapy, and since I haven't been to therapy in like over month, closer to two I think, I needed to do something. So here we go.... Remote learning for school, has been a flop this week. What is funny is last week we did some activities online from school approved sites and the kids were good with that. Funny how I get the packets from school and the chromebooks come home, and then it's a whole different ball game, and they no longer want to play. I haven't started today, and it's only day two of remote learning, the hope is low today. We shall see what today brings besides coffee, and lots of it. The other thing that is bothering me, is people hoarding the toilet paper. Did I miss a memo somewhere where this is the golden commodity?? I don't get it

I wear my heart on my sleeve but I will make you work to get my walls down. I don't think I am ugly but I have a heard time believing my husband when he tells me I am pretty. I am patient but I want what I want right now. I feel everything but grow numb to life. I love hard but I am quick to walk away from people. I want peace, but I will fight till the death. I am a victim but I am a warrior. I am calm or charging like a bull. I look like I got my shit together to some, but in reality I have NO CLUE what I am doing most of the time. I am obese and I struggle with eating disorders. I need attention as much as I enjoy being a hermit. I have roots and I want to have wings. I advocate for people with mental illnesses, and I hate the damn label. I am all these things. My life is an oxymoron and somewhere between the two opposites of life is my middle ground. I hate middle ground because well I have never stood in the middle, I am on one end of the spectrum or the othe

Melissa Cote at a  NHA4A event  This is something new for me. I interviewed my friend Melissa for her non profit, NH Artists 4 Autism (  https://www.facebook.com/nhartists4autism/ ).    NH Artist 4 Autism mission is to spread Autism awareness and acceptance. There is a fundraising event in April, for Autism Awareness month. We, oh let me mention, that I can be found behind the scenes here too,  organize local sponsors, and this year at the big event we have local vendors too. Melissa and I, are both Autism Mommas, and our children are very different but we relate in the advocacy for our children. I often tell Melissa we are out there in the weeds together, or if we are getting ready to really advocate for our kids, we are in the trenches of war together. Below is the interview: What made you start doing events for Autism? My youngest daughter, Zoey was diagnosed with “severe autism” in 2014. She was diagnosed a month before her 2nd Birthday. Back then, I was handed pamph

      I grew up in a small town, next door to my grandparents, who owned a store. My grandparents are kind of small town celebrities, and my mom joins that rank too, even though she moved a little further away. Small town life, while it is peaceful ( most of the time), often times means word travels fast.  People get divorced around here, and the whole town knows in a week. You get arrested, good luck making it twelve hours before someone knows. My teenage years, everyone always liked to threaten they would tell my mom or my grandparents, if I got even a hair out of line.     Now as an adult, or an adultish, person, moving back to that small little town, brings mixed emotions. Sometimes a serious of events happens, and I question my choice. I choose to move here, we needed help, but there is a whole level of being in a place I swore I wouldn't come back to.     They used to say it wouldn't be the same if you left and came back. I always wondered, why would you come back to

I honestly thought at this point in life I would have things figured out. Life, well it leaves me on a never ending path of new experiences good and bad. I learn things, I regret very few things, and I move on. I go forward into whatever direction the wind blows me. I really do seem to have a Gypsy heart, from year to year the only thing that is the same is the love for my inner circle, and even that changes from time to time. Life can be mentally exhausting, and December dear lord we fought some battles, I will always, always fight for my kids, all three of them. December was a whole lot of this. I ended some battles in 2019, and just left them where they were, because I am learning that you don't have to always have the last word. Some battles will carry over into 2020, because some, the ones related to my children, all three of them are the ones I NEED to invest my energy in. I recently had therapy and we did a depression check in because December was that fun and I