2020, of all the damn years.

 There have been some thoughts rolling around in my head again, and I think I need to get them out. I might swear a wee bit, because well I fell it is warranted given the last six weeks. 

I will start here and then move on to the deeper stuff. I find great amusement, that out of ALL, and I mean ALL the shit I have been through, it was the year 2020 I get an ulcer. Of all the moments to get it, it is the year I invested in myself, and really attempted to take care of me and becoming healthier. THIS is the moment, I get a freaking ulcer. 2020, you owe me a beer, no a pretty drink in a fun cup, heavy on the alcohol. 

I have learned that I tend to let people in who are "broken", who like me need someone else to be there for them. I however tend to let the wrong people in. I give too much, and it's exhausting. My mom refers to these people as emotional and or energy sucking vampires. 

To my surprise, this year, I walked into a little group of people, who actually give a shit. The Cool Kid Gang, the band of misfits we are. It works. They see me in real life. When I more emotional then most people can handle, they help hold me up. THEY CARE, and THEY DON'T LIVE IN MY COMPUTER. This has been a great change for me. I feel like I am thriving with this little group. 

As it seems to happen though, once I got into this little group, it made me think of the people I am spending energy on. I have mixed feelings about being in my hometown, my kids needed it, as a family structure, we needed it. I needed the support, okay still need the support. The part that gets me, is I often feel like the person I did in high school. I grew up here, so coming back in I didn't expect to be treated even more like an outsider. 

It hurt till I realized something, my time, my energy is valuable. If you don't add value to my life, to my soul, to my kids life, if you add nothing, then I don't have to care. I don't have to care. I will always love some people, but some people I can love and walk away from. Some people, I can just walk away from, the ties never were there, why am I trying to hold onto something once again that isn't there. 

This, this was the point in the year, when I realized, I have to give a fuck about me. I can't care about people who don't care about me, because then I am spreading myself too thin. My boys, are far from normal, two out of three being special needs, there's A LOT that goes on behind the scenes. A LOT I honestly don't talk about. They need the good me, the me that can pour more into their cups of life when they are low. They need me. 

I let go of the strings that didn't have ties. They floated away, and you wanna know what? I don't miss those fuckers one bit. I like to be underestimated. Pretend I am the person in high school, keep my name on your tongue, that says more about you then it does me. I don't have to let you pull me down anymore. 

I am not the person I was. If you knew me in high school, you don't know me now. If you knew me in college, you probably don't really know much of me now. I owe you no explanation. 

Boundaries and self worth, I have found both. I found both in the year of 2020, of all damn years.