An Interview with NHA4A's Melissa Cote

Melissa Cote at a  NHA4A event 

This is something new for me. I interviewed my friend Melissa
for her non profit, NH Artists 4 Autism ( https://www.facebook.com/nhartists4autism/).
   NH Artist 4 Autism mission is to spread Autism awareness and acceptance. There is a fundraising event in April, for Autism Awareness month. We, oh let me mention, that I can be found behind the scenes here too,  organize local sponsors, and this year at the big event we have local vendors too. Melissa and I, are both Autism Mommas, and our children are very different but we relate in the advocacy for our children. I often tell Melissa we are out there in the weeds together, or if we are getting ready to really advocate for our kids, we are in the trenches of war together.

Below is the interview:

What made you start doing events for Autism?

My youngest daughter, Zoey was diagnosed with “severe autism” in 2014. She was diagnosed a month before her 2nd Birthday. Back then, I was handed pamphlets, told to find a support group, given a  pat on the back with an apology for getting such shocking news and then sent home to process what I literally had no clue about.

I threw myself into research and getting Zoey early intervention therapies that I was told was “vital." I soon realized that I was not the only mom sitting on her couch feeling hopeless and lost. I needed to do more than research, I needed to help not just my child but everyone else’s children too.

 I started with direct marketing fundraisers that first year. I was able to donate $50 to the Early Intervention program, a local NH Autism Area Agency. I knew I could do more and made it my mission to do more. I started blogging and became a published writer for multiple disability media outlets, becoming a regular contributor to the disability website, The Mighty.

 I realized that I had a voice and that people were listening, so I needed to keep talking and writing and raising awareness. I soon started working with Tattoo Shops here in NH. These shops would hold events in the month of April and we would raise money for multiple area agencies that provide supports and services to the NH Autism Community.

 And with my big voice ... it just grew.

What is one thing you wish others who aren't familiar with Autism would understand?

I wish that people could understand that a label doesn’t define someone. Autism is a diagnosis not a person. “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” Each individual on the Spectrum is uniquely different in their own ways.

If you change anything in the treatment of children with Autism what do you wish professionals were more responsive to?

I really want to change how the medical community treats children with autism. The medical community here in our State needs to be trained, retrained, and there needs to be ongoing education. There is a serious lack of education and it does a major disservice to our community. They can’t help our children if they do not have the proper training and knowledge.

What is your biggest fear as a mom?

I think for me, I’m just like any other Mom worried that I’m not doing enough or that I’m failing as a parent. I never want my girls to say to me later in life ... “I really wish you had advocated more for me, Mom!”

What is your biggest worry for Z as she gets older?

Ah, that’s one that keeps me up most every night. I want her to have friends. I want her to be included in this world. I fear that not everyone looks at those that are different in a good light. My fear is that no one will ever really see how beautiful her light truly is. We need more beauty like hers in this world.

Go back to before you were Z's mom, what is one struggle you had with A that you have with Z too?

Sleep! I swear my kids are seriously allergic to sleep. They both put that energizer bunny to shame.

     The next few questions come with some pretext, the interviewer has known Melissa for years, and we have rode some highs and lows in each others life. We both share in raising kids on the spectrum, however we are at varying spots on the spectrum. The day to day life in Melissa's household is very different then my own, but they are many points in being a mom that overlaps.

What is one of your favorite traits your daughter has, that might be different if she wasn't on the spectrum?

This kid is a Houdini! She amazes me with her problem solving skills. By not having a voice to communicate, she’s learned how to get things done in her way and her way is definitely different. I love how she will sing song lyrics to tell me her wants, needs, and sometimes her emotional state. She doesn’t words to communicate. Zoey uses music and it is absolutely beautiful to witness.

How is parenting different for each one of girls, as one is on the spectrum and one is not?

Both of my girls have their own special needs. The challenge with that is making sure both of their specific needs are met and sometimes I feel such overwhelming “mom guilt” for the struggles they each encounter. Sometimes Zoey needs more of me and Anna doesn’t really understand why.

How is parenting the same for them?

My girls have the same rules to follow, they are treated the same, and they are most undoubtedly loved the same.

What is one thing you wish A knew about being a sibling to someone with Autism?

I know that she hears people refer to her sister as “special.” My wish is for Anna to know just how very special she is too... in her own way. My wish is for both of my children to know and feel love and acceptance.


What is one piece of advice you would give to a parent whose child just got diagnosed?

Breathe! Your beautiful child is still your beautiful child. You now have a piece of paper that officially states that your child is different and that’s ok. I learned that being “different” is ok, because “different” isn’t a bad thing.

Our uniqueness is what sets us apart from everyone else. I think that instead of looking at the labels that are put upon us, we need to see the person first. First and foremost that’s still your beautiful child. Just like with anything that’s new there will be an adjustment period, some grieving if you’re like me and whole lot of advocating for what’s best for you child. There will be so many questions that will go unanswered and many emotions that need to be felt, it’s all a part of the puzzle.

* End of Interview*

If you would like to reach out to Melissa ( or me) about Autism or the non profit please contact NH Artist for Autism on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/nhartists4autism/

You can look at Melissa's writer page here: https://www.facebook.com/LifeWithZoey/
or her The Mighty page here:  https://themighty.com/u/mcote1031

You can follow me here or view my public posts on FB: https://www.facebook.com/JessicaQueenOfChaos