What is a friend?

I have sat on the sidelines for so long, I don't remember what game I am waiting to play.

This is how I feel about 90% of my friendships. If I am good enough to be your friend during hard times why shut me out during the good times? How come I get you at your worst? Why am I not worthy of your best? What does this say about me? What does this say about you?

There are people I will love forever. They are people who I am honestly just cool with being passing friends, BUT if you hold my secretes, and I hold yours, we are not passing friends.
I expect more from these people.

I want to be liked so bad sometimes I let people in who I shouldn't. They use me and drop me. They don't seem to acknowledge the good I have done for them. I am easily replaceable to these people. Then when they grow tired of the replacement,  I let them back into my world, because that is what friends do right?

At what point in a friendship do you walk away? How do you set up boundaries?

I have not had healthy relationships for most of my life. Trauma, really messes you up. You develop coping skills, usually bad coping skills. You don't realize how wrong these coping skills are, till you are open enough to accept help and change your ways. The healthy relationship, starts within yourself.

I think my most famous claim to fame when it comes to friendship is that I am a low maintenance friend. I thought it was normal to be benched in friendships. I thought if you only got the bad days, it meant that you were trusted.

What if my bad days fall on your good days? Who is there for me? Who helps me pick up my pieces?

I thought it was okay to benched.

Put me coach, I am ready to play.