My life is an Oxymoron



I wear my heart on my sleeve but I will make you work to get my walls down.
I don't think I am ugly but I have a heard time believing my husband when he tells me I am pretty.
I am patient but I want what I want right now.
I feel everything but grow numb to life.
I love hard but I am quick to walk away from people.
I want peace, but I will fight till the death.
I am a victim but I am a warrior.
I am calm or charging like a bull.
I look like I got my shit together to some, but in reality I have NO CLUE what I am doing most of the time.
I am obese and I struggle with eating disorders.
I need attention as much as I enjoy being a hermit.
I have roots and I want to have wings.
I advocate for people with mental illnesses, and I hate the damn label.

I am all these things. My life is an oxymoron and somewhere between the two opposites of life is my middle ground. I hate middle ground because well I have never stood in the middle, I am on one end of the spectrum or the other. I don't understand middle ground.

I get close to this middle ground and I fall apart. What is it like to stand in the middle and hold that ground beneath your feet? What does it feel like to be grounded?

How do you trust that everything will fall into place? How? I don't get it. I really don't, I am not hard wired to understand, I have to force myself to understand.

I got so close to that damn middle ground recently, and then one too many bumps happened. I put on the mask, I always keep it at arms length, the one I can hide behind and perfectly function while dying inside. This, is the best oxymoron that is my life, I will be the lifeline while needing one myself.

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