My life is an Oxymoron



I wear my heart on my sleeve but I will make you work to get my walls down.
I don't think I am ugly but I have a heard time believing my husband when he tells me I am pretty.
I am patient but I want what I want right now.
I feel everything but grow numb to life.
I love hard but I am quick to walk away from people.
I want peace, but I will fight till the death.
I am a victim but I am a warrior.
I am calm or charging like a bull.
I look like I got my shit together to some, but in reality I have NO CLUE what I am doing most of the time.
I am obese and I struggle with eating disorders.
I need attention as much as I enjoy being a hermit.
I have roots and I want to have wings.
I advocate for people with mental illnesses, and I hate the damn label.

I am all these things. My life is an oxymoron and somewhere between the two opposites of life is my middle ground. I hate middle ground because well I have never stood in the middle, I am on one end of the spectrum or the other. I don't understand middle ground.

I get close to this middle ground and I fall apart. What is it like to stand in the middle and hold that ground beneath your feet? What does it feel like to be grounded?

How do you trust that everything will fall into place? How? I don't get it. I really don't, I am not hard wired to understand, I have to force myself to understand.

I got so close to that damn middle ground recently, and then one too many bumps happened. I put on the mask, I always keep it at arms length, the one I can hide behind and perfectly function while dying inside. This, is the best oxymoron that is my life, I will be the lifeline while needing one myself.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What if...

I guess for this all to make sense we have to go back in time to Halloween of 2013. We had tried to get pregnant, and I had grown impatient. I got pregnant with Squeaker like two weeks coming off birth control. This time it took almost 6 months. So we were so excited to get to the point of the very first ultrasound. So, so very excited. And then the world came crashing down. They said there was no heartbeat. I can remember laying there in the awkwardness of the ultrasound going wow the verbage from the tech is weird, something isn't right. And it wasn't. We were ushered rather quickly into the doctors office after, and the doctor said I am sorry to tell you but there is no heartbeat. We can see the embryo sac, and we are unsure of if you will be able to pass it. We might have to go in to retrieve it but we will know more next week. So next week came and imagine the surprise of the tech when there WAS a heartbeat. A strong perfect little heartbeat. That we didn't expect. ...
Read more

We all fight a battle behind closed doors

So there has been too much going on in the land of Chaos and maybe when life is on a more stable track and I know things are in a better direction I will write about that. For now this is my first rant/vent post. I went grocery shopping yesterday and something had happened because when I arrived somebody was being placed on a stretcher, there was a firetruck, an ambulance, and like three cop cars. I waited to go in because it was me and the baby, had I had either one of the other boys I would have gone home. We get to checkout, and the cashier is being a chatty cathy and totally being unprofessional in discussing what happened. The cashier made a comment about how the person seemed to be special needs and proceeded to spout off. Nope, not me, not going to keep my mouth shut. I shut down the cashier, oh and the person running the front of the store was the bagger. Yup schooled them too. Many people suffer from invisible illness. I have my imaginary brain tumors, depression, anxiet...
Read more

Ready set, time to register for school!!!

My middle child turned 5 in April. September is going to be bittersweet. There is so much to do, so much to think about. So, so much. His MRI, and his EEG all came back normal!!! Yeah, his brain is good. However this leaves us in an interesting spot, no diagnoses. With final IEP meetings coming up, transitioning meetings, and summer school we are left with no answers. I will admit this left me wondering what to do. I freaked out for a bit, I am not going to lie. How is it that this smart, vibrant boy, who is testing at a three year old level, how is there no answers!!! What is wrong! What did I do!! Then I regrouped, it isn't anything I did. There isn't anything wrong with him. He is a smart, capable, imaginative child. We don't have to have answers. The diagnosis or lack of it doesn't change him. He is who he is. It changes me. It changes my goal. It changes my fight. I don't have answers, I don't have a diagnosis to fall back on. What I have is my figh...
Read more