Feeding My Soul, live on air..........

I have started this piece and deleted it a million times in my head, and four times in my attempts to get the right words. You see I find myself in new territory. I find myself struggling not to go backwards.

The new me, this me, is trying really hard to stop and think, and if my kids ever read this, yes children, same thing I tell you. I told you I understood, and it's because you are me, in some way or another, ALL THREE of you have me in your personality. This new me is learning to set boundaries, and not to need the last word, I love having the last word, but it shouldn't be at the cost of someone else's feelings or emotions. I don't have to be an ass. 

I did something this week, I was so excited. I posted about it on Facebook. It was something positive. It was something I never thought I would do. It was something that almost didn't happen because I let other people get in my head. 

I'm not sure where my post took a turn, I am not sure why people had the opinion of me they did. Sometimes I only let people see what I want them to see. Sometimes I guess I look like an ass. Sometimes though, sometimes words cut like a knife. This day, it was that day, and it hurt. 

People can think of me whatever they think of me. I feel things more then most, it sucks sometimes have PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder because I really have to try more then most to reel those emotions in. I can go from 0-60 in two seconds flat on a bad day. I have lost friends over my ability to cut people out in a tirade only later to realize that it was me being dramatic. 

If you knew me five years ago you don't know me. Hell, most of the time if you knew me last year, I am different. This person writing dove deep into the deep end of the pool to be a better human. It takes work, a lot of work, it takes CBD oil, and medication to keep my mood level. It takes a village to keep me in check, it really does. 

When a person who I don't even know all that well drove that knife in, it didn't matter if I took it wrong, it didn't matter if it wasn't what they meant to say. In that moment I felt like I lost the air in my lungs. I deleted the post. I didn't know how to respond without bringing myself back to that petty place. I didn't say anything of much value for a hot minute. 

I almost cancelled the thing I was going to do. It was a once in I don't know when moment. It was something I hadn't thought about ever doing. It was four minutes on a radio show. Four short minutes, but in those moments, I was someone else. 

I wasn't the girl with PTSD. I wasn't the girl who is known as the drama queen. I wasn't this person's daughter, or this person's grandaughter. I wasn't speaking under any monikers. I wasn't hiding. I was un-apologetically  me. 

Those four minutes filled my soul in a way it hasn't been feed in quite some time. Those four minutes will probably be four minutes of my life I remember long after the topic is worth talking about. Those four minutes aren't going to be anything but a blip in the course of time for everyone else. For me, those four minutes, were glorious. 

I almost missed those four minutes, because for a day I cared more about what someone else thought then what I thought. 

Then, then I realized, something. I need to like me. I need to talk to me like I talk to my friends. I need to care more about my thoughts and my feelings then I do about what other people think. 

Those four minutes on the radio, feed my soul. I did that. I feed my soul confidence and love for the first time in years. I finally chased the right feeling. I did that. I did it.