I need the big world to see me.

 It has been a good chunk of time since I wrote. A lot of things have happened. 

My Dad had some health issues, I had to re-live my fear of losing him. That man is on borrowed time already, but the powers at be have decided he has more time. It was hard mentally for me to go through that. All those feelings from so many years ago came flooding back. I don't do well when I have no control over a situation, and that was definitely one I struggled with. 

I did something brave too, I am chair of a NH organization. It is crazy to think, that me, ME, the wallflower, found a voice. In some of my circles, I AM the loud voice too. It's crazy and beautiful, hard and rewarding, it gives me life and infuriates me. It's my passion and I don't know how to quiet that voice anymore. It is the strongest part of me besides the Momma Dragon mode. 

My Tall Kid has been doing well. He has an interview for a place closer to home. Cross your fingers, toes, legs, every damn body part you can. We need this. He needs this. I am so damn proud of who he has become, and who he is becoming. For a while there I didn't know if him and I would recover our relationship. Now, I am his safety in the storm. I am riding shotgun in his adventure of life, and as hard as it is sometimes, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 

My middle child, finally got diagnosed with Autism. It was weird, I have been years being told that wasn't it. I have been years saying but it still kind of fits. Was I surprised when they came back and was like it is Autism?  No. I was pissed off, we put him through YEARS of testing, freaking YEARS, of testing, and Momma instinct was right all along. That was a crazy guilt trip for me to go down. I spiraled hard for a week or two with that. In the end, I was right, hey if you specialist who told me I was crazy see this, remember, that Mom without the medical training, who came in with the internet printouts, and voiced her concern, was RIGHT. 

My youngest, we finally got a 504 meeting. We got him in services, because I don't take no for an answer. I did it. I finally got him a village of his own. 

I thought for a while after all this I found my footing. I thought we had fallen into some kind of rhythm and we were going to get to a point where life was slowing down. I started finishing projects again, while picking up new ones, because hi, have you meet me?

Then, during a rough week emotionally, I had a seizure. Never had one before. It was bad timing too because all my normal doctors where gone on vacation or out on medical. The real kicker was, we only found out it was a seizure because I had bite my tongue, took a chunk off on each side and called the dentist to inquire about how to tell if the tongue was healing. They were like uh, call your pcp now. 

That was two weeks ago. It's been a wild ride of appointments, previously scheduled and new. Trying to keep up with the start of the school year, IEP meetings, 504 meetings, paperwork and life. You know life doesn't stop for you? You can feel like your world has stopped and it keeps moving. 

I got really frustrated this week with a number of things. One was the bariatric program, which having the seizure really complicated about 6 freaking months of work. The second was the all too predictable game of start of the school year means we need 40 pages of paperwork turned in now. The third was, my seizure was caused by a medicine I have been on for three years for emotional stability. They obviously took me off it, but now I have all these expectations from people to maintain and I am barely treading water right now. 

My world felt like it stopped, it still feels like I am barely moving, and yet everything around me keeps on spinning. People don't seem to understand how much I needed that one damn pill to function. People don't seem to care I am struggling right now, the expectations are largely the same from the outside world. The little bubble that is my day to day, has finally come to grips with the fact that right now, I am barely surviving. 

The big world doesn't seem to stop. I need the big world to cut me some slack. I need to be okay. I need all these balls in the air, to not fall on the floor but land in some kind of net. 

I need someone to throw me a safety net before everything just falls to the ground. I need a minute of patience and understanding, I need the big world, to see me, and slow down with me.