Some thoughts....
I really don't mean to be a downer but when you enter the Land of Chaos sometimes we have to face the less than perfect moments head on. I am not good at outwardly expressing these feelings. Actually I am a very good at burying my head in the sand. Slowly the people that have become my inner circle have pushed me to come out of the sand recently. As I wait still for Mini Thor to make his appearance these are things that are going through my head.
Littleman is 10. He is in fourth grade. He is on the Autism Spectrum and has some accompanying behavioral disorders like Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, and a few other little quirks. He is always going to be the most difficult child. I don't say this to be mean, or to give an excuse, this is just life. This is just the things we work with everyday in our life. There is so much more that goes into him and his ten years then I willing to cover right now. Let's just say as much as we struggle with him sometimes, I think it is amazing he turned out the way he did. He hasn't always lived with us and he has made GREAT strides in his life since we gained custody. Lately though, he is my greatest struggle. I worry that my desire to have another child, so I can say I have two flesh and blood children, has pushed him over the edge. I feel like in some way I ruined his last 10 months of life. He is my loose cannon. He is angry and filled with anxiety that I can not control. He has his moments when life is good, but those are fewer in between then I wished they would be. I wonder if he will look back at this time when he is grown and remember and blame me for things. Right now everything is my fault with him, and I can't seem to get reason in.
Squeaker is 4 now. We have already started looking into getting ready for Kindergarten in the fall of 2015. Right now his only coding is speech delay. We suspect through me refusing to get any label before I *me* was ready to hear it, it might be neurological. He does have some physical delays but for the most part now, you would not know looking at him. Most strangers can understand him when he talks. I just don't know how to force myself to get passed that wall. I know I need to have this done, to go to the pediatrician to get the referral to get the diagnosis but I simply don't want the answer to be more than what I can handle. Is this a mom fail? Is this being stubborn?
Now you may be saying well why on Earth did you have another child? Remember the shellfish part above? This is where that part comes in. I am reminded in my daily life, that I am not Littleman's bio mom. It is still a dagger to the heart, even 8 years later it still pains me to be reminded. For that reason, I think I had to have another one. The Hatter, ( my husband) was on board with this. It wasn't a choice we made lightly. It actually took a long time to come to the final choice of yes we are going to try again. I do worry though that these last 10 months everybody is going to look back and say you were selfish. You did this, it is your fault. Especially if Mini Thor comes out and is well, more of handful than we expected.
Am I crazy to do this again? Is this a risk we shouldn't have tempted? On the other hand if we didn't try now we may have never been able to have another one. Is the current unknown better than a life of regret? These are the thoughts as we countdown to the final days. Eight days until the scheduled cesarean of Mini Thor....
Littleman is 10. He is in fourth grade. He is on the Autism Spectrum and has some accompanying behavioral disorders like Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, and a few other little quirks. He is always going to be the most difficult child. I don't say this to be mean, or to give an excuse, this is just life. This is just the things we work with everyday in our life. There is so much more that goes into him and his ten years then I willing to cover right now. Let's just say as much as we struggle with him sometimes, I think it is amazing he turned out the way he did. He hasn't always lived with us and he has made GREAT strides in his life since we gained custody. Lately though, he is my greatest struggle. I worry that my desire to have another child, so I can say I have two flesh and blood children, has pushed him over the edge. I feel like in some way I ruined his last 10 months of life. He is my loose cannon. He is angry and filled with anxiety that I can not control. He has his moments when life is good, but those are fewer in between then I wished they would be. I wonder if he will look back at this time when he is grown and remember and blame me for things. Right now everything is my fault with him, and I can't seem to get reason in.
Squeaker is 4 now. We have already started looking into getting ready for Kindergarten in the fall of 2015. Right now his only coding is speech delay. We suspect through me refusing to get any label before I *me* was ready to hear it, it might be neurological. He does have some physical delays but for the most part now, you would not know looking at him. Most strangers can understand him when he talks. I just don't know how to force myself to get passed that wall. I know I need to have this done, to go to the pediatrician to get the referral to get the diagnosis but I simply don't want the answer to be more than what I can handle. Is this a mom fail? Is this being stubborn?
Now you may be saying well why on Earth did you have another child? Remember the shellfish part above? This is where that part comes in. I am reminded in my daily life, that I am not Littleman's bio mom. It is still a dagger to the heart, even 8 years later it still pains me to be reminded. For that reason, I think I had to have another one. The Hatter, ( my husband) was on board with this. It wasn't a choice we made lightly. It actually took a long time to come to the final choice of yes we are going to try again. I do worry though that these last 10 months everybody is going to look back and say you were selfish. You did this, it is your fault. Especially if Mini Thor comes out and is well, more of handful than we expected.
Am I crazy to do this again? Is this a risk we shouldn't have tempted? On the other hand if we didn't try now we may have never been able to have another one. Is the current unknown better than a life of regret? These are the thoughts as we countdown to the final days. Eight days until the scheduled cesarean of Mini Thor....
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