Check on your strong friends

 It's been a hard year, one of the hardest I have had in a while. I wrote the world's shortest obituary this year. I've said goodbye to too many people. I have been to too many wakes, too many funerals. I have picked up more diagnosis this year then well I think I have ever in one year. 

I'm not doing so well health wise or mentally but you wouldn't really know. I put the mask on and go on like normal. It's easier to be numb and burry it. So I go to the meetings, I help, I check on others, I do all the things, because that's what I am supposed to do. I act like me, the outer shell is me. Inside, there's a war going on, and I am just trying to survive the demons that live in my head. 

I scream from the roof tops check on your strong friends. I scream from the roof tops it's okay to not be okay. I scream from the roof tops you can't pour from an empty cup. I scream and I mean it, because inside these are my demons I am battling. 

This year, I am only still here on this Earth because I can't leave my kids. My husband is an attractive enough man, he probably could find someone else after a while. My kids however, I am not sure how well they would do, I do the roll of three people in their lives, Mom, advocate, and the organizer, even if it's never perfect, it's a tough magic trick, but it gets us through some really hard situations. 

See the thing I learned this year is people rarely check on the one who checks on others. The thing I learned this year is I am highly disposable for most. I'm too much, too many feelings, too many health issues, too much hassle to include on things. The thing I learned this year is I mean very little to many. The thing I learned this year is it's ALWAYS easier to be numb, so I sit on my own little island and self isolate, because if I don't talk to people about the hard things, I don't have to feel. 

Life is fleeting, and most people wait till it's too late to give a shit. Check on your strong friends, because it's lonely being the one who cares and rarely gets that same care back. It's f*cking lonely.