I can't make him ready.

Sometimes it is a fine line on this journey between being a mom and being an advocate for my boys. I tend to do very well with giving others advice, and drag my feet when it comes to Squeaker. Part of me was hoping he would outgrow it, like all of sudden he would just be normal.

He might become normal, he might catch up but the fact of the matter is, he is almost 5 and gross motor testing came back and he tests like he is three. Three. He will not be ready to start school in September. He won't be ready.

The process begins for him. We will start extra therapy.  He will go see a Neurologist in April. We will hopefully see a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. We will have another IEP meeting. He will go to summer school. He will start Kindergarten in the fall of 2015. He will be my happy go lucky child. He will be the one everybody adores.

He will be the one I worry about until the results come in. What if he has my pseudo tumor, what if it's not a pseudo tumor and it's a real tumor? What if it's a processing disorder? What if he has ADD? What if we are not prepared for what the answers are? Can I do this for another child? Can I handle the stress of two children in the school system, with completely different disorders? What if I put my faith and trust into these faces at the meeting and they don't come through?

The moment came today, as I sat in this meeting, trying my hardest not to cry, when I realized I had to change gears, I CAN'T make him ready, but I can make them ready for him. I wasn't sure how to do this. I wasn't sure I could, until my mom said to me, " Jess take your mom hat off and put your advocate hat on." I guess I have to trade off hats as we go on this journey.

I think I need a bigger hat rack..................


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