I survived

Welcome to the year of best intentions, here is the tombstone marking the departure of their existence into this world:



So many plans were thought off, crossed off, restarted, crossed off, and well you get the picture. I can't say this year was easy, or very rewarding, I can't say I took great care of myself. I can't say relationships didn't suffer, burdens weren't placed on others, and well that honestly I came really, really close to a nervous breakdown. 

What I can say is this, I survived, somehow. I made it through perhaps one of my toughest years yet. I end the year, in a house, yeah that is right a HOUSE. I end the year closer to family. I end the year knowing who supports me, who will tolerate my chaos and who puts up with being a low maintenance friend. 

I end the year knowing my mental health is scary, and it's hard to maintain. I am okay with this, because by accepting it, it makes it easier to change. I may never be the little ray of sunshine I was, and that's okay, because as a women, as a mom, as a person I have been through shit. Some of it made me less naive, some it taught me how to have to backbone, and some of it teaches me I still wear my heart on my sleeve. All this is okay, because I own it, so I can work with it. 

I end the year going off on a trip, I haven't flown in I don't know how long. I haven't been this far away from kids EVER. The whole time in their lives, I have NEVER been more then like 4 hours away from them.....................I am leaving NH to go to Kentucky. People this is huge. I earned this trip, I earned all the fabulous doors it could open, or I earn the fun of going.  I earned it. Just me. I go in as Jessica Bowen. Not so and so's daughter, wife, sister, mom, friend. I go in as me. 

The year has been long. We have basically three months left. It is holiday season. It is the craziest time of year for us. 

I have survived the year so far, now I think I should start living, because I earned it. I did. I freaking earned it. 

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