Pandora's Box
The journey of avoiding the nervous breakdown I still find myself cruising down from time to time has not been easy. I find that it was easier to be numb, I didn't say it was healthier, or better for anyone else who knows me, just easier for me.
It's hard to open Pandora's box. The first burst of box opening, and the everything hitting you at once, really is hard. You feel like you had made progress then you get hit with everything and it is so overwhelming, that you feel like you failed ( or maybe it's just me, failing seems to be my favorite emotion lately). What do you do with all this once it's opened?
I withdrew. I put up all those walls, because it was safer there. I got lost in my own head. I felt like I failed because I didn't know what to do with all that. I felt alone so I made myself almost alone. I reached out just a little, it took the edge of the feelings, it kept me from feeling like the world would be better off without me, but it didn't stop the negative. Then some other things happened, and I fell to pieces.
I do have to say, sometimes having a husband who is Autistic can be a challenge. We aren't the best communicators, but damn, lately, as I fell harder into my rabbit hole, he stepped up in ways people couldn't see. He kept me as grounded and as centered as well anyone has been able to. He became my emotional rock, and he made sure I ate, or I didn't eat a whole bag of m&m's. He made sure I took my pills. He told me he loved me, he held my hand, he laid in bed with me when I didn't want to come out of bed. He forgave the house being a hot mess of things I started and never finished because something happened and I ran out of time. I don't know if you realize how hard this is for him to do, usually my role is to make sure he takes care of him. He doesn't like to trade these roles, he becomes a fish out of water, but this time, man he rocked it.
Metaphorically I am really good at explaining things. I use words like theoretically in my daily life. I have a way with words that leaves people thinking I am a little odd. So when my mom said "the thing with a box is it has a lid you can close it," I was like well yeah it has a lid, duh (sorry mom, the moment came later). Hours later as I absent mindly open and closed something, I got it. IT was a really stupid Aha moment.
Pandora's box has a lid. A freaking lid. I can open it a little and close it. I can open it a little more and close it. I DON'T have to open the box and take off the lid. I can go a little at a time.
Having feelings when all you want to do is be numb is hard. Living life with feelings, and emotions you don't know how to handle complicate things. Feeling broken, or fragile is something I hate. It's where I am though, it's not where I will be forever, it's just where I am now.
Pandora's box has a freaking lid. A freaking lid.
It's hard to open Pandora's box. The first burst of box opening, and the everything hitting you at once, really is hard. You feel like you had made progress then you get hit with everything and it is so overwhelming, that you feel like you failed ( or maybe it's just me, failing seems to be my favorite emotion lately). What do you do with all this once it's opened?
I withdrew. I put up all those walls, because it was safer there. I got lost in my own head. I felt like I failed because I didn't know what to do with all that. I felt alone so I made myself almost alone. I reached out just a little, it took the edge of the feelings, it kept me from feeling like the world would be better off without me, but it didn't stop the negative. Then some other things happened, and I fell to pieces.
I do have to say, sometimes having a husband who is Autistic can be a challenge. We aren't the best communicators, but damn, lately, as I fell harder into my rabbit hole, he stepped up in ways people couldn't see. He kept me as grounded and as centered as well anyone has been able to. He became my emotional rock, and he made sure I ate, or I didn't eat a whole bag of m&m's. He made sure I took my pills. He told me he loved me, he held my hand, he laid in bed with me when I didn't want to come out of bed. He forgave the house being a hot mess of things I started and never finished because something happened and I ran out of time. I don't know if you realize how hard this is for him to do, usually my role is to make sure he takes care of him. He doesn't like to trade these roles, he becomes a fish out of water, but this time, man he rocked it.
Metaphorically I am really good at explaining things. I use words like theoretically in my daily life. I have a way with words that leaves people thinking I am a little odd. So when my mom said "the thing with a box is it has a lid you can close it," I was like well yeah it has a lid, duh (sorry mom, the moment came later). Hours later as I absent mindly open and closed something, I got it. IT was a really stupid Aha moment.
Pandora's box has a lid. A freaking lid. I can open it a little and close it. I can open it a little more and close it. I DON'T have to open the box and take off the lid. I can go a little at a time.
Having feelings when all you want to do is be numb is hard. Living life with feelings, and emotions you don't know how to handle complicate things. Feeling broken, or fragile is something I hate. It's where I am though, it's not where I will be forever, it's just where I am now.
Pandora's box has a freaking lid. A freaking lid.
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