I'm starting to live

I have 800 projects that need to be done. I to do list of things that need to be accomplished in the next 10 days. A cold that's kicking my ass still.

I'm taking it step by step. I get to what I get to. I play outside even it's just for 10 minutes every weekday. I get up and get dressed even if it's just in different pj's.

I don't know if you all grasp this, how long it's been since I took care of me. How really profound this is. How hard this is. How exciting it is for me to feel some shred of "normal." How exciting it is to feel something other then sadness or despair.
Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD fucking suck. Like seriously I would not wish this on my worst enemy, because then your mind becomes your own worst enemy and it's a battle of survival. The goal every day is just to survive. Not even to live, just to survive.

I am starting to live again. It's exciting, and kind of new. It's been so long since I have had a moments peace in my head. It's exciting to feel hopeful, to feel in control of my life, even if it's just for a moment. To be able to breathe and sleep at night. To not feel like I am a having a heart attack every day from stress and panic and paranoia.

I have been living in hell for MONTHS, trapped in survival mode. I'm starting to live.

Comments

  1. CarleneApril 2, 2017 at 11:35 AM

    So happy for you. I do not have PTSD, but I've heard it's awful. Depression is bad enough. That I am familiar with. Wishing you many more days where living is much better than just surviving. God bless you!

    ReplyDelete

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