Motherhood: Epiphany Moment

I was just sitting here after having the first conversation with a mom where I wasn't in mental crisis or crying or just overall fighting the demons in my head and wondered what it must feel like to be her.

I was sitting here imagining how hard it is to have a child, ( I'm an adult but mom law states I am always her child) who you never know what kind of mood they will be in. I was sitting here thinking how emotionally draining that must be to have to be the calm one, the rational one, the one to risk the conversation and potentially set your child off, to try and get them to take care of themselves. To ask how they slept, if they took their meds, if they showered, if they made it to their doctors appointment.

I was like damn that must suck. I really started feeling bad for my mom. You don't sign up for that. You don't always know what to say or what to do, and you risk with every conversation that they will cry and you won't fully understand why.

Then, honestly I never thought about this. NEVER crossed my mind, until this moment. Get ready for this truth bomb.

I do know what my mother feels like. You see she dealing with an adult struggling through life with her mom eyes, while I am dealing with a newly minted teenager struggling through life. Now they are not quite the same, there are some variances, and largely I can not discuss them from my point of view as being a step mom. My oldest is 13, and what is said on the internet can live forever, and really it is his story to tell at this point not mine. However, from the mom point of view the overwhelming feelings that come with a mom are the same.

I have words to use. I have developed some coping skills, I still am not good at self care, and coping skills are newly developed. I still say it's easier to be numb then to feel, because it is easier but it is not healthier. I can live in survival mode. I can still take care of my kids. My house well in rough patch my house looks like it was robbed, but it is what is its. I am trying, and doing the very best I can.

I can not say the same for my stepson. This is where the difference is, I have a had enough experience to cope a little, he has developed very few.

Ladies and gents, this is where the title of Mom is hard. Sometimes you find yourself in the shoes of your mother, and the shoes of your child all in the same moment. What you do here, is put on both hats, and look at the situation.

This is my epiphany moment, and damn I really think I should write a book.

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