Why Don't People Like Me?

If you follow me, you will have learned a few things about me. One is I have three boys, another is two are special needs, you should be aware by now that I have PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder is the new one. If you share any of these things with me you probably have already figured out most of my friends live in my computer. If you can't fully relate, let me give you some insight on this complicated situation.

First off, my oldest has spent much of the summer in the hospital. There is only a handful of people who I have actually told this. I haven't explained this because well he is thirteen, I feel partly this isn't my story to tell completely and partly because well I am so jaded now, I have a hard time letting people in.

This will lead you to the second thing, I want to have friends, but I don't want to be hurt. It's hard to trust when you are jaded and have been through more shit then people will ever fully realize because you feel like a burden already so you save these talks for your therapist. I am guarded, jaded, long for friendship but can't break the cycle of just reaching out and not pushing for more.

Then I get on this tangent where I reach out, and people don't respond the way I want them to so I stop. Cold, dead in my tracks stop. I am an awkward turtle as is, add on being a late bloomer, and I feel kind of like Steven Urkle ( If you don't get that reference Google it, best show). Then I go into this panic and I stop talking to people only to again awkwardly reach out.

Somehow, among all this, I have managed to make some REALLY good friends who happen to live in my computer. After having one those superficial talks with someone I used to be really good friends with, I reached out to my friends who live in my computer and asked them what they would say if they had to write my obituary. If you follow me, for the record, I was not suicidal, just sad. I was baiting someone to tell me nice things because the monster that tells me I am worthless was talking so loud I needed to drown him out.

Here is what I got:

In an odd way, it is my desire to guard myself that also pushes people away. Those who stay in my life, are themselves in some way or another, struggling with something on their own. This allows them to have a greater understanding for how my flawed brain works. This also allows me to have to work less to maintain those friendships. This means they understand the spoon theory ( if you don't know what I am talking about that Google that one too, especially if you know someone who has any kind of life long illness, physical or mental, it applies.) 

What I learned this week is people don't like me because I make them work for a friendship. Sometimes I have unreasonable expectations, and sometimes I don't have it in me to be a friend. What I also learned this week was people draw like minded people to their lives for a reason, and this is why my circle is small. I will still preach quality over quantity. I can't say some Saturday nights I won't cry knowing that people don't find me worthy of the effort. Then again, I have my circle, and come hell or high water, they are always down to laugh or laugh till we cry.