What comes after the flood?
I sat in the rocking chair, and listened to this women talking to me. I wasn't fully in it today. It comes with the territory. I was having an off day, she has grown to understand this. These are the days my responses are short, but sometimes I am very insightful.
I told her I felt like my crazy had been showing. I felt like I was never going to be able to go back into that mold of what society accepts. I told her I felt like I was at a crossroads. I told her I wanted to fit in, even though I never had, that there was this longing and yearning to be more.
I sat in that rocking chair in that corner of the room, semi blankly staring out the window at the autumn leaves on the trees when she said, " Jess, it's not about you and them. You ARE them. You just don't see it. You can fit in, I never would have known in the grocery store that day I saw you that you are the emotional person in my office."
It's not me and them? It's not me living on the outside of the world because I really feel like it some days. Some days I am one small mistake away from the end of the world, and other days I am god damn superwomen. So I can't be this women she explained to me. I can't be her.
We agreed I am not fully there yet. She was very firm in the fact that I have made great strides. She was firm in the fact that these walls that are carefully built up like a dam were near falling. The flood is going to come. The flood of everything I am still holding onto unprocessed. The hurt, the anger, the confusion it's still there.
How can it not be me and them? I have lived so long in my mental illnesses that I learned to live in the chaos, it wasn't healthy and yes it damn near killed me a time or two, but I am still here, so I made it out of that. I just can't see it.
This, this is my hang up according to the women I pay by the hour to listen. My therapist says, my last hung up to these damn walls, is my desire to hide, because I want so desperately to fit in, I am clinging onto my last old coping mechanism.
I am stubborn as hell, but the flood is coming. I can feel the cracks in the walls starting to get bigger, and then they will crumble. The flood will come, and with it washes away everything I know.
What comes after the flood?
I told her I felt like my crazy had been showing. I felt like I was never going to be able to go back into that mold of what society accepts. I told her I felt like I was at a crossroads. I told her I wanted to fit in, even though I never had, that there was this longing and yearning to be more.
I sat in that rocking chair in that corner of the room, semi blankly staring out the window at the autumn leaves on the trees when she said, " Jess, it's not about you and them. You ARE them. You just don't see it. You can fit in, I never would have known in the grocery store that day I saw you that you are the emotional person in my office."
It's not me and them? It's not me living on the outside of the world because I really feel like it some days. Some days I am one small mistake away from the end of the world, and other days I am god damn superwomen. So I can't be this women she explained to me. I can't be her.
We agreed I am not fully there yet. She was very firm in the fact that I have made great strides. She was firm in the fact that these walls that are carefully built up like a dam were near falling. The flood is going to come. The flood of everything I am still holding onto unprocessed. The hurt, the anger, the confusion it's still there.
How can it not be me and them? I have lived so long in my mental illnesses that I learned to live in the chaos, it wasn't healthy and yes it damn near killed me a time or two, but I am still here, so I made it out of that. I just can't see it.
This, this is my hang up according to the women I pay by the hour to listen. My therapist says, my last hung up to these damn walls, is my desire to hide, because I want so desperately to fit in, I am clinging onto my last old coping mechanism.
I am stubborn as hell, but the flood is coming. I can feel the cracks in the walls starting to get bigger, and then they will crumble. The flood will come, and with it washes away everything I know.
What comes after the flood?
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