Dear Every Friend I Ever Turned My Back On,
Dear Every Friend I Ever Turned My Back On,
There are a few of you that I actually miss. Every once in a while Facebook likes to throw it in my face that I from time to time fall apart. Facebook likes to remind me of the people I have lost, either through walking away from or people who became my angels.
This is my letter to you, because even though I swore I didn't owe you an explanation there is always this nagging part of me that wants me to tell you that I am not really an asshole, well I can be, but mostly it stems from something bigger.
If you are new here, I have PTSD. It controlled my life for a greater portion of two years recently. The ending of the 2017 really was the ending to that. It is hard to live your life in fight or flight mode constantly. There were other things going on then too, and I found my home, in constant turmoil. Though it is not my story to tell, I will say the person who needed help has finally found it. Through their work, my home is safe now, and a lot of heavy stuff has been alleviated.
On top of that, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. People react to that like I just cussed them out, and called them all kind of names. I get it, I thought I was pretty normal too there for a minute. Until I realized I wasn't. This is the part of me that walks away from people. This is the part of me that when you are at a three in frustration I am at a six. This is why I am so over the top, I don't know any better, but I am learning.
My fear of abandonment is so strong, I would rather walk away then you leave me. I like to have the last word. I like to be in control. I like it to be on my terms. This thinking, from time to time has lead me to do some things I regret. I can count the number of people I have walked away from on both hands. Most of the time I do think it was for the best, but there is a few that damn I fucked up so hard, and I light those bridges and fanned the flames till it was ashes. When the ashes went out, for a while I didn't look back, but every now and then I look back and wish I could cross over that bridge again.
My brain is hard wired wrong. It is, I have to learn, let that sink in, I have to learn to respond like a "normal" person. I have to learn. I have to regulate emotions at a much higher rate, I have to allow myself to feel and to work through things. I am sure people think I am a drama queen, I kind of am, but it's not because I want to be. It's a really long process to un learn these things, because it is deeply ingrained in me at this point. Deeply.
The funny thing about burning bridges is often you never get to repair them. It was never really anything they did. It wasn't really anything I did intentional. It's I didn't know any better, and now I do. Along with growth sometimes comes regrets, and wisdom becomes important. I can no longer use this as a reason for walking away so harshly from people, because I know better.
There was a time though, when I didn't. I walked away from the longest friendship I had. I walked away from the person who meant the world to me in college. I walked away, and I am sorry. I really am. You didn't deserve it, and I know no matter how many times I say sorry, it won't take back what I did. I also know this whole thing if you ever happen to come across this will sound like an excuse.
To a point you are right, it was an excuse. But, I know better now. I am sorry. Truly, deeply sorry.
There are a few of you that I actually miss. Every once in a while Facebook likes to throw it in my face that I from time to time fall apart. Facebook likes to remind me of the people I have lost, either through walking away from or people who became my angels.
This is my letter to you, because even though I swore I didn't owe you an explanation there is always this nagging part of me that wants me to tell you that I am not really an asshole, well I can be, but mostly it stems from something bigger.
If you are new here, I have PTSD. It controlled my life for a greater portion of two years recently. The ending of the 2017 really was the ending to that. It is hard to live your life in fight or flight mode constantly. There were other things going on then too, and I found my home, in constant turmoil. Though it is not my story to tell, I will say the person who needed help has finally found it. Through their work, my home is safe now, and a lot of heavy stuff has been alleviated.
On top of that, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. People react to that like I just cussed them out, and called them all kind of names. I get it, I thought I was pretty normal too there for a minute. Until I realized I wasn't. This is the part of me that walks away from people. This is the part of me that when you are at a three in frustration I am at a six. This is why I am so over the top, I don't know any better, but I am learning.
My fear of abandonment is so strong, I would rather walk away then you leave me. I like to have the last word. I like to be in control. I like it to be on my terms. This thinking, from time to time has lead me to do some things I regret. I can count the number of people I have walked away from on both hands. Most of the time I do think it was for the best, but there is a few that damn I fucked up so hard, and I light those bridges and fanned the flames till it was ashes. When the ashes went out, for a while I didn't look back, but every now and then I look back and wish I could cross over that bridge again.
My brain is hard wired wrong. It is, I have to learn, let that sink in, I have to learn to respond like a "normal" person. I have to learn. I have to regulate emotions at a much higher rate, I have to allow myself to feel and to work through things. I am sure people think I am a drama queen, I kind of am, but it's not because I want to be. It's a really long process to un learn these things, because it is deeply ingrained in me at this point. Deeply.
The funny thing about burning bridges is often you never get to repair them. It was never really anything they did. It wasn't really anything I did intentional. It's I didn't know any better, and now I do. Along with growth sometimes comes regrets, and wisdom becomes important. I can no longer use this as a reason for walking away so harshly from people, because I know better.
There was a time though, when I didn't. I walked away from the longest friendship I had. I walked away from the person who meant the world to me in college. I walked away, and I am sorry. I really am. You didn't deserve it, and I know no matter how many times I say sorry, it won't take back what I did. I also know this whole thing if you ever happen to come across this will sound like an excuse.
To a point you are right, it was an excuse. But, I know better now. I am sorry. Truly, deeply sorry.
Thank you for sharing this with me, much of it sounds very familiar.
ReplyDelete<3
Thanks for reading!!! Hopefully it helps some, to know, that I feel yah, and you are not alone.
Delete