Hello Old Friend

I have sat down to write a blog many times, in fact this is the 5 edit of an attempt to write and non have been posted. Why? Well let me explain, this won't take long.

My mind is a swirling vortex of words, thoughts, feelings and actions not attempted. While it is all in there, the words are not flowing well in writing or out of my mouth.

I am tired of feeling like I have to pretend. I am tired of forcing through the bad moments and being the strong one. I am tired of being silenced because I am afraid to speak. I am tired of being brushed aside. I am tired of feeling less then, but more then anything I am tired of being tired.

Welcome to the world of depression. There I said it. It's out there now. No fancy mood meds could save me from this last round of life continually punching me in the stomach. Life has punched a whole right through.

I'm floating through my own life. Every day is some sort of charade, some days are easier to pull off the charade then others. I am merely existing in my own life. I have grown so accustomed to it that I can function pretty well in the day to day stuff.

I can take care of my kids while I am depressed, but I wont take care of me. I have taken ONE shower in like two weeks. One. Why am I being honest about this? Because I am so damn tired of pretending to be holding it all together.

I am so good at treading water no one is going to notice I am drowning. Hell, let's be real, I don't even want to notice.

It is always easier to be numb. Feeling things is hard.Numb is my safety, and I want my safety.

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