BPD is like a Tornado in Relationships
The thing with me is my day can change so fast. I can be the one who was laughing and then I read something or I hear something, sometime's it's a simple as a stupid commercial, and my day has gone to shit. This is Borderline Personality Disorder. My reaction time is so quick I could make your head spin, before you have taken in a breathe and released it, I have done a complete 180.
This is me every day. It's exhausting trying to be normal. It's exhausting to know that I am being completely irrational and yet I honestly can not control my feelings. I have to work really really hard to pull myself in and not blow my top. I have to talk to myself like it's not me I am talking to, because we tend to be nicer when we are talking to others in crisis.
Right now as I type, I have this tab up and another one on FB as I await the message back from hubs letting me know when he will be home. As a pre-warning he has been told I am in a mood, and I hate my brain. This morning, this morning I was the that girl who was a domesticated wife. I made him coffee, got the kid off of the bus, made breakfast. It was a good morning.
Now, well now I want to de-activate FB even though I use it for everything. I want to throw up my hands in the sky and flip off the clouds. Will I? No. Do I know this sounds like a tantrum, yes, yes I do.
The importance of sharing this is to someone reading this they might be like OMG someone feels this way too!! The importance of sharing this is because three years ago, I would have lost my shit. This would have been a world ending moment and I would have burned some bridges.
Sometimes being in a relationship with me and these moods must feel like a tornado. Sometimes there is warning, there is winds, hail, and storms. Sometimes that tornado siren goes off and you are like pfftt yeah right, and then in a blink of an eye, the damage is mile wide and everything is in devastation. When the tornado hits, you can't stop it, it's gotta run it's path.
Today it could have been EF3 tornado, but it was downgraded to an EF0. Why the downgrade? Two years of therapy, one solid year of putting everything into therapy has taught me that I can't control others, I can't always control my feelings, but what I can do is control my reaction. I can at least use my coping skills. It means I message my husband because his work day is almost done. It means I put this down in writing and out of my head. It means I walk away from the moment knowing I didn't give into the reaction. I took a moment, and I coped.
This is me every day. It's exhausting trying to be normal. It's exhausting to know that I am being completely irrational and yet I honestly can not control my feelings. I have to work really really hard to pull myself in and not blow my top. I have to talk to myself like it's not me I am talking to, because we tend to be nicer when we are talking to others in crisis.
Right now as I type, I have this tab up and another one on FB as I await the message back from hubs letting me know when he will be home. As a pre-warning he has been told I am in a mood, and I hate my brain. This morning, this morning I was the that girl who was a domesticated wife. I made him coffee, got the kid off of the bus, made breakfast. It was a good morning.
Now, well now I want to de-activate FB even though I use it for everything. I want to throw up my hands in the sky and flip off the clouds. Will I? No. Do I know this sounds like a tantrum, yes, yes I do.
The importance of sharing this is to someone reading this they might be like OMG someone feels this way too!! The importance of sharing this is because three years ago, I would have lost my shit. This would have been a world ending moment and I would have burned some bridges.
Sometimes being in a relationship with me and these moods must feel like a tornado. Sometimes there is warning, there is winds, hail, and storms. Sometimes that tornado siren goes off and you are like pfftt yeah right, and then in a blink of an eye, the damage is mile wide and everything is in devastation. When the tornado hits, you can't stop it, it's gotta run it's path.
Today it could have been EF3 tornado, but it was downgraded to an EF0. Why the downgrade? Two years of therapy, one solid year of putting everything into therapy has taught me that I can't control others, I can't always control my feelings, but what I can do is control my reaction. I can at least use my coping skills. It means I message my husband because his work day is almost done. It means I put this down in writing and out of my head. It means I walk away from the moment knowing I didn't give into the reaction. I took a moment, and I coped.
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