The Brain and the Heart
I have been thinking about things lately, big things, things I haven't said because well the world seems to keep me down. I find myself constantly lost at being the one who sits on the sidelines, and the one who leads the group. The silent one, and the voice. I often feel like I am two people trapped in one body.
My heart tells me to follow my passion. My heart says to be the voice, to be loud, to be proud. My heart says blaze a path a mile wide and leave the haters in wake of the flames. My heart says I can do this.
My brain, well, it says to not rock the boat. To stay in the sidelines is safe. I won't be shame on anyone for being me, or loud, I just won't be noticed. My brain says this is okay because who remembers me, or who really cares.
Sometimes I wonder how I got kids who are so confident. My flighty little bird, who is proud of his leggings and his love of my Little Ponies. My oldest, who thinks the world should play by his rules because to him it makes sense, and seldomly can he be swayed in his opinion. Then you have the youngest, who Daddy called Master, and yeah that pretty much sums up what you really need to know there ( Daddy created that monster).
You have me, who never wanted to stand out. I just wanted to fit in. Most of my life actually I just wanted to fit in. I learned to hide the less pleasing sides. Society tells me I am broken. Society tells me I am to be ashamed of my scars, mental and physical. Society tells me an obese women shouldn't be proud of any change she makes until she is a size 6. Society has told me I have a pretty face if I just lost the weight I would be pretty. Society tells me my trauma brings shame or embarrassment. Society says it's my fault.
I don't know how to be both. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and let the flames of my passion burn out and let my heart grow cold. I don't want to live a life where I have to fight EVERYTHING. I never found my way in life. I guess I am kind of a gypsy in that way, I am just moving on in life till I outgrow whatever point I am at. I just simply move on, cut ties with whatever I have lingering from that spot in life in move on. This is why I suck at keeping friends, I never feel like I belong. Once I am done, they gypsy heart kicks in and I move on, because starting new is always easier for me.
I think it's a good year for a mid life crisis. I can't live with the heart and the brain pulling me in two different directions. Which direction do I go? What do I choose? What would you do? Stay tuned and find out.
My heart tells me to follow my passion. My heart says to be the voice, to be loud, to be proud. My heart says blaze a path a mile wide and leave the haters in wake of the flames. My heart says I can do this.
My brain, well, it says to not rock the boat. To stay in the sidelines is safe. I won't be shame on anyone for being me, or loud, I just won't be noticed. My brain says this is okay because who remembers me, or who really cares.
Sometimes I wonder how I got kids who are so confident. My flighty little bird, who is proud of his leggings and his love of my Little Ponies. My oldest, who thinks the world should play by his rules because to him it makes sense, and seldomly can he be swayed in his opinion. Then you have the youngest, who Daddy called Master, and yeah that pretty much sums up what you really need to know there ( Daddy created that monster).
You have me, who never wanted to stand out. I just wanted to fit in. Most of my life actually I just wanted to fit in. I learned to hide the less pleasing sides. Society tells me I am broken. Society tells me I am to be ashamed of my scars, mental and physical. Society tells me an obese women shouldn't be proud of any change she makes until she is a size 6. Society has told me I have a pretty face if I just lost the weight I would be pretty. Society tells me my trauma brings shame or embarrassment. Society says it's my fault.
I don't know how to be both. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and let the flames of my passion burn out and let my heart grow cold. I don't want to live a life where I have to fight EVERYTHING. I never found my way in life. I guess I am kind of a gypsy in that way, I am just moving on in life till I outgrow whatever point I am at. I just simply move on, cut ties with whatever I have lingering from that spot in life in move on. This is why I suck at keeping friends, I never feel like I belong. Once I am done, they gypsy heart kicks in and I move on, because starting new is always easier for me.
I think it's a good year for a mid life crisis. I can't live with the heart and the brain pulling me in two different directions. Which direction do I go? What do I choose? What would you do? Stay tuned and find out.
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