Tis the Season
Tis the season, what a complicated season it has become this year.
I think I wrote a little while ago about being "stable" and the tailspin that sent me on. Why you might ask, because never in my life I have been the stable one. Passively suicidal, over dramatic, ten thousand emotions and a bit of a space cadet is what I am used to being called. SO imagine my surprise when I was sitting there in therapy and I was called stable.
Typically I struggle this time of year. Seasonal depression and arthritis at my young age of 35 leave me often times lost in pain and in my head. NOW, now I got this new label. What happens when we go into a time of year that is normally hard for me and I fall all to pieces? Have I failed? Is it just my mental illness screwing up my life again? How do I function?
Now let's add to this my weak immune system has already failed me and I have already had Bronchitis for a month. Yesterday I had one of the most intense flashbacks in my life and I spend the whole day sensing something was going to happen, we lost power last night in a storm. I already miss Grampa Jon, he will be gone 11 years the day after Christmas. I am usually done Christmas shopping by now, and have them wrapped. I am almost done, but they are not all wrapped, as I still haven't purchased them all.
Somewhere in the holiday prep there is a visit to the oldest. You see he doesn't live with us, he is placed in an alternative setting, because sometimes, life throws you curves and you have to make the tough choices. Like, placing your child out of state so he can get the help he needs. He has been doing so well lately, and requested a visit. He doesn't request visits very often, and at this point, I would sell a kidney on the black market to get to him, so yes bet your ass I am doing everything I can to make it to him.
There is a swirling vertex in my brain currently. I can not figure out what triggered it or what caused it, and as I type I am very much aware that I am fraying at the edges and soon it will be a struggle to hold on. I don't want to let go, I don't want to fray. I don't want to be this person.
This person was stable, I don't know how to be normal or how to pretend to be normal. I don't know how I become stable. I am panicking. Straight up panicking. I am too afraid to ask for help. I am too afraid to disappoint. I feel lonely, and afraid for the first time in a long time. I don't know how to say it. So I add on projects. I push myself to exhaustion just so I sleep. I get up and do it all again.
All I want, all I want is someone to say it's okay to fall. It's okay to not to know what to do with all this because I haven't been in a good place in so long. I just need someone to tell me it's okay and mean it.
It's my happy season, and I can't find my happy. Tell me it's okay.
I think I wrote a little while ago about being "stable" and the tailspin that sent me on. Why you might ask, because never in my life I have been the stable one. Passively suicidal, over dramatic, ten thousand emotions and a bit of a space cadet is what I am used to being called. SO imagine my surprise when I was sitting there in therapy and I was called stable.
Typically I struggle this time of year. Seasonal depression and arthritis at my young age of 35 leave me often times lost in pain and in my head. NOW, now I got this new label. What happens when we go into a time of year that is normally hard for me and I fall all to pieces? Have I failed? Is it just my mental illness screwing up my life again? How do I function?
Now let's add to this my weak immune system has already failed me and I have already had Bronchitis for a month. Yesterday I had one of the most intense flashbacks in my life and I spend the whole day sensing something was going to happen, we lost power last night in a storm. I already miss Grampa Jon, he will be gone 11 years the day after Christmas. I am usually done Christmas shopping by now, and have them wrapped. I am almost done, but they are not all wrapped, as I still haven't purchased them all.
Somewhere in the holiday prep there is a visit to the oldest. You see he doesn't live with us, he is placed in an alternative setting, because sometimes, life throws you curves and you have to make the tough choices. Like, placing your child out of state so he can get the help he needs. He has been doing so well lately, and requested a visit. He doesn't request visits very often, and at this point, I would sell a kidney on the black market to get to him, so yes bet your ass I am doing everything I can to make it to him.
There is a swirling vertex in my brain currently. I can not figure out what triggered it or what caused it, and as I type I am very much aware that I am fraying at the edges and soon it will be a struggle to hold on. I don't want to let go, I don't want to fray. I don't want to be this person.
This person was stable, I don't know how to be normal or how to pretend to be normal. I don't know how I become stable. I am panicking. Straight up panicking. I am too afraid to ask for help. I am too afraid to disappoint. I feel lonely, and afraid for the first time in a long time. I don't know how to say it. So I add on projects. I push myself to exhaustion just so I sleep. I get up and do it all again.
All I want, all I want is someone to say it's okay to fall. It's okay to not to know what to do with all this because I haven't been in a good place in so long. I just need someone to tell me it's okay and mean it.
It's my happy season, and I can't find my happy. Tell me it's okay.
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