Dear 2019
Dear 2019,
You were supposed to the year my life finally fell into place. The year I was putting all the bs behind me and moving forward. This was the year I was going to feel like a grown up, being 35 and the youngest being in school full time, I thought this was the year I was going to figure it all out.
Spoiler alert, it wasn't, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. 2019 was the year of some pretty interesting curveballs. I spent the summer becoming caretaker of an elderly women, who would just walk out of my life. It sucks when you know someone is mentally abusing and elderly person, but you can't control others. I set up a boundary line and moved on. If she called me right now and said she was sorry, I would dive back in, because that's the kind of person I am. I can't not help someone who was family by choice. I can't not help.
Then, there was a really big thing that I don't really talk about because it's not my story to tell. My part of it I can say, as a parent it rocked me to my core. It hit close to home, and I really had to step back and think how to move forward. I love my kids, and no matter what goes on in this little world of ours, my inner circle supports me. We move forward as a family into uncharted territory. Some good came from this situation, and it really was the catalyst to put us on a better path.
Next, my trust and respect for the school systems my kids are in where tested. I can't say as if I trust them, and I ( in an oddly grown up manner) have already expressed this to them. From where we go from here, is really up to them. I protect and advocate for my kids as fiercely as I love them. Most Moms will say their kids are their world, but for full disclosure, I left the work force because my kids needed me, and I never looked back. They literally became the whole reason my college education is useful.
I started some advocacy work again, for people other then my kids. I forgot how fulfilling it was for me to have a side project like this. I forgot how many parents don't know the inner workings of an IEP meeting. I forgot that I have this super power, so it was nice to be needed again. On a side note, NH law is still my favorite to look up. Mass and CA law get complicated, yup I have done this from the comfort of my computer coast to coast now. I forgot for a while that I had this super power.
Now, it is Christmas Eve and my house is not ready. We just finished Christmas Shopping LAST NIGHT. The whole time my husband and I have been together this has never happened. You see between all the chaos, I had more health issues this year then I think I have had in a long time. My knee, my bronchitis, and well having an issue where the need for a blood transfusion was actually discussed really kind of slowed things up and put me behind. I only mention the blood transfusion thing, because when I went in for my checkup this last week and I was talking to the nurse who I usually get we discussed this, and it wasn't until I felt the words come out of my mouth and her reaction did I realize the seriousness of the matter.
2019, I think you were the year that was supposed to break. I think you were the year I was supposed to finally fall apart. I think it can pretty damn close, but I am still here.
For the people who bring me soup, and invite me over to their house. For the people who aren't my blood but make up my inner circle and put up with the emotional roller coaster that is me. For the people who take the time to read this crazy blog I keep writing. For the people who check in on me.
For Nana, my mom, my brother, my dad, my crazy little fur sister. For the people who let me be that low maintenance friend and don't fault me. You saved me when 2019 was supposed to break me.
I am not easy to handle sometimes, I am passionate, and emotional, and sometimes a little demon like, lol. I don't hide the fact I have PTSD, because the stigma needs to end. I fight and will continue to fight those demons. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it hard for me to maintain relationships, so if you are here and hanging in there with you, you are an every day hero.
2019, we will end this year a little more mentally exhausted then I wanted to. Lessons where learned and strength was found. I might be skeptical of 2020, but I am trying to be open minded. Trying is the key word.
To 2020, and may Barbara Walters join on the ball dropping New years Eve...................
You were supposed to the year my life finally fell into place. The year I was putting all the bs behind me and moving forward. This was the year I was going to feel like a grown up, being 35 and the youngest being in school full time, I thought this was the year I was going to figure it all out.
Spoiler alert, it wasn't, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. 2019 was the year of some pretty interesting curveballs. I spent the summer becoming caretaker of an elderly women, who would just walk out of my life. It sucks when you know someone is mentally abusing and elderly person, but you can't control others. I set up a boundary line and moved on. If she called me right now and said she was sorry, I would dive back in, because that's the kind of person I am. I can't not help someone who was family by choice. I can't not help.
Then, there was a really big thing that I don't really talk about because it's not my story to tell. My part of it I can say, as a parent it rocked me to my core. It hit close to home, and I really had to step back and think how to move forward. I love my kids, and no matter what goes on in this little world of ours, my inner circle supports me. We move forward as a family into uncharted territory. Some good came from this situation, and it really was the catalyst to put us on a better path.
Next, my trust and respect for the school systems my kids are in where tested. I can't say as if I trust them, and I ( in an oddly grown up manner) have already expressed this to them. From where we go from here, is really up to them. I protect and advocate for my kids as fiercely as I love them. Most Moms will say their kids are their world, but for full disclosure, I left the work force because my kids needed me, and I never looked back. They literally became the whole reason my college education is useful.
I started some advocacy work again, for people other then my kids. I forgot how fulfilling it was for me to have a side project like this. I forgot how many parents don't know the inner workings of an IEP meeting. I forgot that I have this super power, so it was nice to be needed again. On a side note, NH law is still my favorite to look up. Mass and CA law get complicated, yup I have done this from the comfort of my computer coast to coast now. I forgot for a while that I had this super power.
Now, it is Christmas Eve and my house is not ready. We just finished Christmas Shopping LAST NIGHT. The whole time my husband and I have been together this has never happened. You see between all the chaos, I had more health issues this year then I think I have had in a long time. My knee, my bronchitis, and well having an issue where the need for a blood transfusion was actually discussed really kind of slowed things up and put me behind. I only mention the blood transfusion thing, because when I went in for my checkup this last week and I was talking to the nurse who I usually get we discussed this, and it wasn't until I felt the words come out of my mouth and her reaction did I realize the seriousness of the matter.
2019, I think you were the year that was supposed to break. I think you were the year I was supposed to finally fall apart. I think it can pretty damn close, but I am still here.
For the people who bring me soup, and invite me over to their house. For the people who aren't my blood but make up my inner circle and put up with the emotional roller coaster that is me. For the people who take the time to read this crazy blog I keep writing. For the people who check in on me.
For Nana, my mom, my brother, my dad, my crazy little fur sister. For the people who let me be that low maintenance friend and don't fault me. You saved me when 2019 was supposed to break me.
I am not easy to handle sometimes, I am passionate, and emotional, and sometimes a little demon like, lol. I don't hide the fact I have PTSD, because the stigma needs to end. I fight and will continue to fight those demons. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it hard for me to maintain relationships, so if you are here and hanging in there with you, you are an every day hero.
2019, we will end this year a little more mentally exhausted then I wanted to. Lessons where learned and strength was found. I might be skeptical of 2020, but I am trying to be open minded. Trying is the key word.
To 2020, and may Barbara Walters join on the ball dropping New years Eve...................
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