It's killing me inside.

 I got to thinking lately, which can be dangerous for me. I got to thinking about relationships, specifically  my relationships with males. 

The relationships within the family were different. My senior year in high school, I felt more like I had to serve as some version of a caretaker for a family member. I am not sure if our relationship ever fully recovered. My Grampa was my knight in shining armor, and later I would learn I got the VERY best version of him. I am glad I learned what I did, it did taint the image a bit, but it gave me a bigger picture. Something I think I needed, it allowed me to get closer to other people in the family. The only person in my family, who is still alive, who weathered all the storms with me, and is still there for me, is my brother. 

Now something interesting is I didn't starting dating until college. The relationships I had in high school felt more surface level, there was only two people that went deeper then surface level. I am almost certain it was a one street, and I was the way who had more feelings then the others. 

College rolls around, and it is the first time out my safety bubble, away from the small town life. I went to clubs!! Guys could call the dorm phone. I had to answer to less people, I had freedom. Sometimes having this freedom is a double edged sword. It meant I started college more naïve then most. In some ways it made me a really easy victim. 

I picked ALL the wrong people. I was physically, emotionally and sexually assaulted, by more then one person. I was also borderline stalked, they always seemed to be able to get into the dorm. I also got my heart broke in college too. I found out wayyy to late one of the people who I had a crush on, oddly enough had a crush on me. 

You would think all this would make me jaded. You would think that I would have walls up after the first bad relationship. It did something different to me, to numb the pain, I just went onto the next. It lead to a string of bad choices. I lost myself in the numbness. Until I couldn't hide it very well. 

I only dealt with it as surface level, for a few years. I meet my husband in college, when I was going for my bachelors degree. I still blame him for me failing weather class. He was much more entertaining then the weather. He came out of left field, he came with a child. He came at a point in his life, where everyone thought I was crazy for being willing to go into this relationships. 

Relationships aren't easy. Marriage is harder when you have very little experiences with relationships to start with. We have been married since 2008. That same year I lost my knight, I lost my Grampa. It really muddled everything since I still hadn't fully dealt with everything else. 

It took me a long time in therapy to get to an okay place. It took me a long time to let the walls down and talk about this, it is easier to be numb. My Mom hates it when I say that, she always responds back "Easier is not always healthy." See Mom I do listen. There's been a few times where I feel back down this rabbit hole again. 

This comes up again, because I am watching a family member turn into a man I don't recognize. He isn't the same. My brother and I are at a loss of what to do here. It brings up a lot of shit for me. I set boundaries. I stood strong in them for a while, but there's a part of me like this is family, this is my blood. Boundaries are really hard for me, because it means I have to feel. I have to accept my feelings. It is so much easier being numb. It really is. When you haven't had the best experiences in past relationships it makes you doubt everything. 

I know I need to set the boundary for my sanity. I know I need to set the boundary for my physical strength. I know I need to do this. I just don't want to have to walk away. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. It's hard to want to help someone and not have them let you. It's heartbreaking for me to walk away, fucking heart breaking. 

I can't go numb this time. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. It feels like 100 knives stabbing me in my heart, but I can't go numb. I can't take the easy road. I have to break my tradition, and I have to put me first. I can't save everyone, sometimes the most important person I can save is myself. I have to save myself.