The door is closed.


 Sometimes I have to write the thoughts rolling around in my head. It is especially important lately as I talk to less and less people. I don't know if it's my view on my relationships or if it is in fact what is happening but I feel like the throw away person. I have felt this most of my life too. It is a symptom of having Borderline Personality Disorder, but what gets harder to figure out is when I get to a point where I feel like I am doing a good job of managing that part of my lift, are these feelings true? 

Covid came, and it still lingers. This is one thing that really screwed up a lot of peoples relationships. I got used to living life through Zooms, but it did nothing but increase my anxiety about going out. I feel like I was just starting to come around again and then..........my world got rocked. 

Epilepsy is something I never really expected to have to talk about. It wasn't something that was on my radar, so when I got diagnosed, at a weird age in my life, no really it is more common to get diagnosed as a young child or an older person not in the middle, it halted everything again. What little independence I had gained was gone. I am not medically cleared to drive until I go 6 months without having a seizure. I have yet to make it 6 weeks without having one. 

I can't do small errands by myself. I can't pop in to see people who live near. I can't pick up kids from school by myself. I live in a small town nowhere near any public transportation, and I can't do anything by myself when it comes to leaving the house. Let alone the fact that lights bother me immensely. Even if I could go somewhere by myself, I am not sure I would be comfortable right now because I still haven't learned all my triggers, and nobody wants to be alone and not be able to communicate when having a seizure. 

You add all this together, and I really feel like am that disposable friend. It makes me feel like I am that disposable person, like I am only good when someone needs me. It doesn't help that even in the small circle that is my village, relationships in there have tested me as well. It's hard to feel less than from people who you thought because you are blood that all of sudden you are no longer needed, the line of communication drops off. 

This all makes me shrink back into my shell. This makes me burry my head in the sand. It makes me want to go numb, because being numb doesn't hurt. I don't do well with the revolving door relationships, so maybe I close the door. Maybe I lock it. Maybe it doesn't let anyone in. 

Maybe, maybe all I need is someone to reach back out and be like your important and make me want to open that door again. For now though, I close it, because I can't keep hurting. I can't keep hurting. 

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