Hello

 The year of 2024 has been the year of death and goodbye. There are 12 months in a year, we just started December, and the number of people who meant something to me who we said our final goodbye's to is currently 11, ELEVEN. I'm going to spend the next month on pins and needles just trying to figure out if we hit 12. That's a lot of death.  One person I remember driving home from a vacation and getting the news. One I knew was sick and was going to go. One person, had cut me out of her life years ago, but on legal paperwork I was the last one listed, and I wrote her obituary. One person who passed, it was the closing to a horrible rotten chapter that I don't have to live through anymore. A few were sudden and surprising. A few lost their battles to addictions.  This is the year I walk away from far more jaded then I started. This is the year on top of losing people to death, friendships were severed, lines were crossed, and there is no going back. I am far to grown to ...

     I live in a strange bubble, those who are in my niche little communities know me as this voice, they know me as this strong advocate. In real life, it's comical how quickly I can sit in the background and not be seen or acknowledged. Sometimes I feel like I live a double life in this bubble, the struggle to be seen and the struggle to not want to be seen can be an interesting balance. I know at almost 40 I feel like I should have this a bit more figured out, but then again, does anybody know what they are doing honestly?  I feel everything and nothing.  I am strong but yet weak.  I am caring but yet I can be petty and sometimes vengeful.  I am honest but can mask a thousand things when I need to.  I want to be loved but live by the motto, leave before you are left.  I want to be seen but yet I like to hide in the back of the room when I am unsure.  I want everything but feel like I am deserving of nothing.  I can be outgoi...