What if...
I guess for this all to make sense we have to go back in time to Halloween of 2013.
We had tried to get pregnant, and I had grown impatient. I got pregnant with Squeaker like two weeks coming off birth control. This time it took almost 6 months. So we were so excited to get to the point of the very first ultrasound. So, so very excited. And then the world came crashing down. They said there was no heartbeat. I can remember laying there in the awkwardness of the ultrasound going wow the verbage from the tech is weird, something isn't right. And it wasn't. We were ushered rather quickly into the doctors office after, and the doctor said I am sorry to tell you but there is no heartbeat. We can see the embryo sac, and we are unsure of if you will be able to pass it. We might have to go in to retrieve it but we will know more next week.
So next week came and imagine the surprise of the tech when there WAS a heartbeat. A strong perfect little heartbeat. That we didn't expect. No explanation as to how it was missed and no explanation as to why it was suddenly there. It is our amazing miracle.
We rode the emotional roller coaster, we grieved the loss. We made plans to try again. I leaned on my inner circle hard that week. I texted a good friend, who cried in the middle of Walmart I think that is what she told me. We told the inner circle of the earth shattering news again, but this time it was good.
Then we decided not to tell anybody else until we hit the 12 week mark. Even then it was a very quite announcement. We still had people finding out I was pregnant up until I think month 6. I struggled to get excited fear always got in the way. We didn't buy hardly anything until we find out the gender. I think the bulk of what has been bough has been within the last 6 weeks.
I have 3 weeks until I am full term, week 36, my official due date is June 17th. I found myself getting the baby room ready last week, putting the clothes in the dresser and it hit me, like a ton of bricks. All the fear I thought I had conquered came flooding back. What if something happens.
What if we have to grieve this baby again? What if this little boy who has a name, who has a crib, who shares a room with Squeaker, the soon to be middle child, what if something horrible happens? What if we have to pack all this stuff away? What do we do then? How do I deal with this then? What if he comes out with a medical issue? What if?
Once again I find myself stuck firmly in the fear. Once again I feel lost in the emotions that we started with. I learned their are no guarantees in life, every moment should count but when you find yourself in this roller coaster how to learn to enjoy the ride?
We had tried to get pregnant, and I had grown impatient. I got pregnant with Squeaker like two weeks coming off birth control. This time it took almost 6 months. So we were so excited to get to the point of the very first ultrasound. So, so very excited. And then the world came crashing down. They said there was no heartbeat. I can remember laying there in the awkwardness of the ultrasound going wow the verbage from the tech is weird, something isn't right. And it wasn't. We were ushered rather quickly into the doctors office after, and the doctor said I am sorry to tell you but there is no heartbeat. We can see the embryo sac, and we are unsure of if you will be able to pass it. We might have to go in to retrieve it but we will know more next week.
So next week came and imagine the surprise of the tech when there WAS a heartbeat. A strong perfect little heartbeat. That we didn't expect. No explanation as to how it was missed and no explanation as to why it was suddenly there. It is our amazing miracle.
We rode the emotional roller coaster, we grieved the loss. We made plans to try again. I leaned on my inner circle hard that week. I texted a good friend, who cried in the middle of Walmart I think that is what she told me. We told the inner circle of the earth shattering news again, but this time it was good.
Then we decided not to tell anybody else until we hit the 12 week mark. Even then it was a very quite announcement. We still had people finding out I was pregnant up until I think month 6. I struggled to get excited fear always got in the way. We didn't buy hardly anything until we find out the gender. I think the bulk of what has been bough has been within the last 6 weeks.
I have 3 weeks until I am full term, week 36, my official due date is June 17th. I found myself getting the baby room ready last week, putting the clothes in the dresser and it hit me, like a ton of bricks. All the fear I thought I had conquered came flooding back. What if something happens.
What if we have to grieve this baby again? What if this little boy who has a name, who has a crib, who shares a room with Squeaker, the soon to be middle child, what if something horrible happens? What if we have to pack all this stuff away? What do we do then? How do I deal with this then? What if he comes out with a medical issue? What if?
Once again I find myself stuck firmly in the fear. Once again I feel lost in the emotions that we started with. I learned their are no guarantees in life, every moment should count but when you find yourself in this roller coaster how to learn to enjoy the ride?
I did cry in Walmart. I will never forget the joy that came with those tears knowing my "nephew" was still hanging on. This boy will be healthy. This boy will be loved by so many. This boy will come in to the world with fanfare and joy. Please do not worry so much. I love you!
ReplyDeleteThis boy better hurry up and get here. This momma is getting impatient. I still haven't hung the curtains in his room yet. Hahaha, but everything else is ready. :) Love you too!!
DeleteWhat a miracle! It is hard to not be fearful when you have already experienced something so scary and sad, but I am sure that everything will be fine! Thanks so much for sharing your story! I really enjoyed reading it. Congrats and good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by!! Thank you for the kind words. I will update when he decides to get here. Taking his sweet time ( or I am very impatient)!!!
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