A day to be Thankful
Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant loss day. For those that follow my pathetic little attempt to be a mommy blogger you will understand why this day is important to me.
For those that don't here is the backstory. On Halloween of last year was my ultrasound to hear the heartbeat of Mini Thor. Only it didn't go so well. They couldn't find his heartbeat. They told me I was carrying an empty sac, there was nothing there. In simple terms I had miscarried. We talked about how I was far enough along and I might not be able to pass the sac on my own and how I would have to have an in office procedure to remove it. They talked about all these things. My world ended. We took the older boys trick or treating. My mom came and took them after school the next day. I fell apart hard.
One week later we went back, me and Hatter. I had him wait in the waiting room, it was painful enough emotionally I didn't him there for this part, I didn't need to torture him. It was bad enough. I asked the ultrasound tech to move the screen as far away as she could, and she did and understand. We didn't talk much. Then it happened. At first I thought it was feedback but when I opened my eyes and the ultrasound tech had the same look on her face as I would assume I did, I realized I wasn't losing it. It was a heartbeat. A beautiful strong heartbeat. A loud perfect heartbeat, that wasn't supposed to be there.
This was the same baby they had told me that week before was gone. This was the same baby I had grieved over for a week. He was there. He was there. I had the tech go get Hatter. I had him come into the room, I had her move the machine to show him the image, I didn't say anything to him. I let the heartbeat speak for itself.
Fast forward to yesterday, I didn't expect the day to make me emotional. I didn't expect me to still have these deep feelings about the women who loss their babies. The angels who never get to be held and the ones who grace this earth for such a short time. I didn't expect it to hurt, I mean I have him. I got my miracle.
But not everybody gets their miracle and for me I am eternally grateful to the powers that be, that I have him to hold. I understand the magnitude of the day. I have since learned many more women on friend's list have gone through this. I discovered many don't talk about it. Many suffer in silent grief, for privacy or for the fear of being belittled, or because they think people won't care.
I don't want to say I speak for everybody, because honestly my experience was a very good taste of what they feel. In some aspects I feel guilty that it still affects me, because I do have Mini Thor. I do want to say that I understand more than people think. I do want to say I want to be a voice, because it wasn't a blip on my radar until I thought I was 1 in 4. You know even that stat is wrong, because many women miscarry in the very early stages and won't even notice, they might just think their cycle is off that month.
So for one in four women, if your sad be sad. If you miss your baby know you are not alone. Know there ARE people out there. Know you are not alone. Know they are voices like yours, some are louder, and some are weaker. Just know once you feel like a mother you are a mother, and that baby will forever be your baby, and DON'T let anybody tell you otherwise.
For those that don't here is the backstory. On Halloween of last year was my ultrasound to hear the heartbeat of Mini Thor. Only it didn't go so well. They couldn't find his heartbeat. They told me I was carrying an empty sac, there was nothing there. In simple terms I had miscarried. We talked about how I was far enough along and I might not be able to pass the sac on my own and how I would have to have an in office procedure to remove it. They talked about all these things. My world ended. We took the older boys trick or treating. My mom came and took them after school the next day. I fell apart hard.
One week later we went back, me and Hatter. I had him wait in the waiting room, it was painful enough emotionally I didn't him there for this part, I didn't need to torture him. It was bad enough. I asked the ultrasound tech to move the screen as far away as she could, and she did and understand. We didn't talk much. Then it happened. At first I thought it was feedback but when I opened my eyes and the ultrasound tech had the same look on her face as I would assume I did, I realized I wasn't losing it. It was a heartbeat. A beautiful strong heartbeat. A loud perfect heartbeat, that wasn't supposed to be there.
This was the same baby they had told me that week before was gone. This was the same baby I had grieved over for a week. He was there. He was there. I had the tech go get Hatter. I had him come into the room, I had her move the machine to show him the image, I didn't say anything to him. I let the heartbeat speak for itself.
Fast forward to yesterday, I didn't expect the day to make me emotional. I didn't expect me to still have these deep feelings about the women who loss their babies. The angels who never get to be held and the ones who grace this earth for such a short time. I didn't expect it to hurt, I mean I have him. I got my miracle.
But not everybody gets their miracle and for me I am eternally grateful to the powers that be, that I have him to hold. I understand the magnitude of the day. I have since learned many more women on friend's list have gone through this. I discovered many don't talk about it. Many suffer in silent grief, for privacy or for the fear of being belittled, or because they think people won't care.
I don't want to say I speak for everybody, because honestly my experience was a very good taste of what they feel. In some aspects I feel guilty that it still affects me, because I do have Mini Thor. I do want to say that I understand more than people think. I do want to say I want to be a voice, because it wasn't a blip on my radar until I thought I was 1 in 4. You know even that stat is wrong, because many women miscarry in the very early stages and won't even notice, they might just think their cycle is off that month.
So for one in four women, if your sad be sad. If you miss your baby know you are not alone. Know there ARE people out there. Know you are not alone. Know they are voices like yours, some are louder, and some are weaker. Just know once you feel like a mother you are a mother, and that baby will forever be your baby, and DON'T let anybody tell you otherwise.
Comments
Post a Comment