It's fall.
I live in New England. Welcome to the season where I suffer from road rage due to tourists parking and doing whatever they feel they need to get the picture of the fall leaves. I love the way the trees look at the peak of season, with the colors so bright and the leaves so plentiful. And then they fall. And then they fall.
The change of the season seems to be more symbolic for some than others. I watch the leaves hit the ground, the trees begin to look lonely, and the cold, the cold air is coming. The irony in the change of the season is symbolic to how a person feels when depression kicks in ( at least to me). The cold does me in. The longer hours of darkness. The inability to just get up walk out the front door and go somewhere.
I'm going to pretend at least a few of you read these things regularly ( like you know when I post something) and say you will know I had a baby this summer. The chances of me having post partum depression was pretty high since I had it with Squeaker. It was bad. It was really bad. I actually struggled with depression before the babies too, it was just easier to deal with without the flux of hormones.
I have skirted the issue this time. I seem to go through this loop when I convince myself I am okay. But then I get those days, when I all I want to do is cry. It's not like my life sucks, or I am ungrateful for the things I have. It's just hard to keep it all together. I do have an appointment soon. If I am honest with myself I will say hey I think it's an issue.
I feel like if I say it, if the words come out of my mouth then I have failed. Somehow I am less of a mother. Somehow I am less of a person. Somehow I am a weaker person. I feel somehow they will question my ability to be a mother.
All I want to do is be okay. I don't want to have to say that I couldn't fight it off. Let's face it the way most people feel about mental illness, people will take about what kind of mother I am. The truth is, I am the same mother I was six months ago. I do the IEP meetings, the monthly trips to the pediatrician, the research of therapies. Nothing from looking outside in looks any different. It's the inside looking out that has changed.
Every year the trees shed their leaves, and stand strong against the cold of winter. Every year I watch those trees and every year I wonder is this the year I will keep my leaves.
The change of the season seems to be more symbolic for some than others. I watch the leaves hit the ground, the trees begin to look lonely, and the cold, the cold air is coming. The irony in the change of the season is symbolic to how a person feels when depression kicks in ( at least to me). The cold does me in. The longer hours of darkness. The inability to just get up walk out the front door and go somewhere.
I'm going to pretend at least a few of you read these things regularly ( like you know when I post something) and say you will know I had a baby this summer. The chances of me having post partum depression was pretty high since I had it with Squeaker. It was bad. It was really bad. I actually struggled with depression before the babies too, it was just easier to deal with without the flux of hormones.
I have skirted the issue this time. I seem to go through this loop when I convince myself I am okay. But then I get those days, when I all I want to do is cry. It's not like my life sucks, or I am ungrateful for the things I have. It's just hard to keep it all together. I do have an appointment soon. If I am honest with myself I will say hey I think it's an issue.
I feel like if I say it, if the words come out of my mouth then I have failed. Somehow I am less of a mother. Somehow I am less of a person. Somehow I am a weaker person. I feel somehow they will question my ability to be a mother.
All I want to do is be okay. I don't want to have to say that I couldn't fight it off. Let's face it the way most people feel about mental illness, people will take about what kind of mother I am. The truth is, I am the same mother I was six months ago. I do the IEP meetings, the monthly trips to the pediatrician, the research of therapies. Nothing from looking outside in looks any different. It's the inside looking out that has changed.
Every year the trees shed their leaves, and stand strong against the cold of winter. Every year I watch those trees and every year I wonder is this the year I will keep my leaves.
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