A tale of a frazzled mother.

The month of April is always a chaotic time. A vast majority of the family's birthday is in April. We celebrate with one big party, and then for my middle child and my husband we do a cake on their birthdays. April also holds Easter. That is usually enough to make me frazzled.

This month we add a nice selection of doctor appointments to the specialist for my middle child. His sedated MRI is tomorrow. He has a sleep study at the end of the month. I have been trying not to absorb this and turn it into the shoulda,coulda,woulda's, but I am failing.

I am stuck between feeling like I am okay and I can do this and just wear my advocate hat and be the professional I have been trained to respond like. What they don't teach you in school is a class on what happens when it is your child you are doing this with. There should be Welcome to Special Needs Motherhood 101.

Now, if you read these ever, you might be like well actually you should be a pro at this Jessica, your stepson should have given you good practice on dealing with doctors, and specialist. In case you did think this, my response is yes, for the most basic things like IEP meetings, pediatric referrals, and things of that nature I am pretty good at. Every now and then I kind of fall off my wagon but I quickly dust myself off and move forward. This time it is different.

This time it's pediatric neurologists, sedated MRI's, the guilt of feeling like I waited too long and have done some disservice to him, the wonderment that I did this when I had two car accidents when I was pregnant with him, and the overall nervousness of the results. This time it's doctor visits three to three and half hours away round trip.

I have internalized this in a way that I feel guilt over things I can not control. Like somehow this is all my fault. I can fake it most days. I can push on. It is the moments at night, when I go to sleep that I wonder and the brain thinks horrible thoughts.

I must make the list now of what I need to bring tomorrow as we leave 5 am, I am not a morning person and all this prep must be done tonight. My heart hurts, my mind is frazzled.

Comments

  1. JeanineAugust 22, 2015 at 12:36 AM

    I understand this path all to well Jessica. I'm walking it right now and I'm so glad I was able to read your post. These are the things that keep me up at night listening, watching, and waiting to be needed by my son with a sleep disorder. There's more referrals and specialists for him to see as well it all feels like a dream sometime that I didn't plan on dreaming. I don't know if that made sense but reading your story did. Many hugs and respect to you and your son on your journey. ❤️

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