2017, the year we hit rock bottom.
I think it is important to note that the vast majority of the year, I haven't wrote nearly as much as I wanted to, because I try to tread very lightly on the line between this is my story to tell, and what would my 13 year old feel if he reads this later in life.
If perhaps this is still up and he is the one reading it I want you to know this, you will always be my first baby. I am sorry things never got easier this year. I am sorry you won't be home for Christmas or your birthday. I am sorry this was hard. I don't regret the ending here, I don't regret where you are right now. I loved you enough to let you go and get the help you needed. We tried bud, we did, and someday if not yet, I hope you understand this, I loved you enough to let you go.
That's pretty much all you get for that child, the youngest started home head start. Next year he might go to the real school. The middle child we are in the home stretch of him getting evaluated. It's almost the end of this long rough chapter.
It's been the year of trying to figure out life, and this grown up stuff. It's the been of year of working through my PTSD. It has been the year discovering I have Borderline Personality Disorder and how this impacts my every day life. It's been the year where I have silently at times struggled with an eating disorder. It's been the year where I put out all the fires to get the one at the core of this forest fire. And that fire lives deep within me.
It's been a year filled with chaos and dysfunction, and figuring out how to make it better. It's been a year of letting go and letting people in and at the same time learning how to to set appropriate boundaries. It's been the year of contradictions, and reaching bottom to crawl back up and slide down again.
I didn't think I was going to make it. I really didn't. It's th 11 of December and you wanna know what's left on the year checklist, the things that are left, after all the EXTRA stuff this year, is three appointments for me.
I have no excuses left. I have nowhere left to hide. It's my do or die moment. I either finish crawling back up to the top of the mountain or slide back down and loose my progress.
2018, is the year I figure out who Jessica is. It's the year of me. Watch me grow or get out of my way. I don't have time to feed into the drama. My life is choactic as it is, and I give myself permission to say no.
If perhaps this is still up and he is the one reading it I want you to know this, you will always be my first baby. I am sorry things never got easier this year. I am sorry you won't be home for Christmas or your birthday. I am sorry this was hard. I don't regret the ending here, I don't regret where you are right now. I loved you enough to let you go and get the help you needed. We tried bud, we did, and someday if not yet, I hope you understand this, I loved you enough to let you go.
That's pretty much all you get for that child, the youngest started home head start. Next year he might go to the real school. The middle child we are in the home stretch of him getting evaluated. It's almost the end of this long rough chapter.
It's been the year of trying to figure out life, and this grown up stuff. It's the been of year of working through my PTSD. It has been the year discovering I have Borderline Personality Disorder and how this impacts my every day life. It's been the year where I have silently at times struggled with an eating disorder. It's been the year where I put out all the fires to get the one at the core of this forest fire. And that fire lives deep within me.
It's been a year filled with chaos and dysfunction, and figuring out how to make it better. It's been a year of letting go and letting people in and at the same time learning how to to set appropriate boundaries. It's been the year of contradictions, and reaching bottom to crawl back up and slide down again.
I didn't think I was going to make it. I really didn't. It's th 11 of December and you wanna know what's left on the year checklist, the things that are left, after all the EXTRA stuff this year, is three appointments for me.
I have no excuses left. I have nowhere left to hide. It's my do or die moment. I either finish crawling back up to the top of the mountain or slide back down and loose my progress.
2018, is the year I figure out who Jessica is. It's the year of me. Watch me grow or get out of my way. I don't have time to feed into the drama. My life is choactic as it is, and I give myself permission to say no.
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