Finding my middle ground.............
There's something to be said about the affects music can play a soul. It can be the same effect of that random perfect breeze on an otherwise still day. Or even watching a butterfly land so close you can actually see it's body. There's something to be said the feeling you get when you get that first true kiss or that first time someone tells you I love you.
I think it's important to hold onto those feelings because sometimes in life they are fleeting. I understand that for the good to be understood there has to be bad, and by the same token I understand it can be hard to find the good around the bad.
I find myself often running two trains of thoughts, the image of the angel and devil is largely how I live my life. I know nothing else yet. Often times I am reactive, and operating off of some maladaptive coping mechanisms. I live in a world where it takes little to make me paronoid. I live in a world where I doubt most decisions I make, no choice is decided upon on the first thought.
I am still navigating the waters of finding this middle ground that has eluded me most of my life.
Somewhere in this middle I think I will find the answer is to who I am as a person. The middle ground is tough to find. I have spent months in therapy working on acceptance.
Then the moment happened, I realize to move forward I had to let go of the past. The skeletons that are in my closet that don't belong to me. That burden is heavy. Do you know what it's like carrying around a lifetime of hate, disappointment, self loathing, and blame for every damn mistake you have ever made? Let me tell you, I think I power a trip to the sun if I could harness that wasted energy.
I can't use that wasted energy for anything productive, other then to say, yes I have been through shit. Probably more shit then I will ever utter to another human being. I got really good at living behind the mask. I got really good at keeping everyone at arms length because it allowed me to self isolate, and it's how I coped.
What's hard is changing the thinking, the feelings, stepping out of my comfort zone. It is really hard to talk to people. I find myself really awkward, like that geeky kid in middle school. I was totally a late bloomer, like my best year was my senior year, and even then I didn't even fit in with my own school, not even my class, but the school.
Now, I find myself back to being that awkward person, but as an adult. With boys running around my house, running errands, managing two special needs kids, and on a new path to take care of me. It's hard, but it's worth it.
Sometimes when the mountain is too heavy, you stop carrying it. You put it down. You leave it on the ground and start to climb up. When you open Pandora's box, you remember it has a lid but you also know at some point you need to open that box and let the contents spill out.
Life is hard, it's a battle. Sometimes you win a battle and feel like you lost the war. A battle is just a battle, and if you get up and go at it again, you will win the war.
Sometimes a butterfly will land on you if you are still enough. Sometimes you close your eyes and the perfect breeze blows. Sometimes.
I think it's important to hold onto those feelings because sometimes in life they are fleeting. I understand that for the good to be understood there has to be bad, and by the same token I understand it can be hard to find the good around the bad.
I find myself often running two trains of thoughts, the image of the angel and devil is largely how I live my life. I know nothing else yet. Often times I am reactive, and operating off of some maladaptive coping mechanisms. I live in a world where it takes little to make me paronoid. I live in a world where I doubt most decisions I make, no choice is decided upon on the first thought.
I am still navigating the waters of finding this middle ground that has eluded me most of my life.
Somewhere in this middle I think I will find the answer is to who I am as a person. The middle ground is tough to find. I have spent months in therapy working on acceptance.
Then the moment happened, I realize to move forward I had to let go of the past. The skeletons that are in my closet that don't belong to me. That burden is heavy. Do you know what it's like carrying around a lifetime of hate, disappointment, self loathing, and blame for every damn mistake you have ever made? Let me tell you, I think I power a trip to the sun if I could harness that wasted energy.
I can't use that wasted energy for anything productive, other then to say, yes I have been through shit. Probably more shit then I will ever utter to another human being. I got really good at living behind the mask. I got really good at keeping everyone at arms length because it allowed me to self isolate, and it's how I coped.
What's hard is changing the thinking, the feelings, stepping out of my comfort zone. It is really hard to talk to people. I find myself really awkward, like that geeky kid in middle school. I was totally a late bloomer, like my best year was my senior year, and even then I didn't even fit in with my own school, not even my class, but the school.
Now, I find myself back to being that awkward person, but as an adult. With boys running around my house, running errands, managing two special needs kids, and on a new path to take care of me. It's hard, but it's worth it.
Sometimes when the mountain is too heavy, you stop carrying it. You put it down. You leave it on the ground and start to climb up. When you open Pandora's box, you remember it has a lid but you also know at some point you need to open that box and let the contents spill out.
Life is hard, it's a battle. Sometimes you win a battle and feel like you lost the war. A battle is just a battle, and if you get up and go at it again, you will win the war.
Sometimes a butterfly will land on you if you are still enough. Sometimes you close your eyes and the perfect breeze blows. Sometimes.
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