Alice's Tea Party

Deep Thoughts By Jessica:

I realize with Grayson starting pre k, and him outgrowing his 3t clothes, that I HAVE NO MORE BABIES. There will be none coming from this house, now what the heck do I do with this clothes I don't want to get rid of because all three boys wore half of this stuff. Hold me while I cry.

Tough love. It breaks my heart to give it. It breaks my heart when I find one of the boys in a situation where I have to let them sink or swim. They have to learn, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch especially when they are making the wrong choice.

Watching someone from the older generation slip away, because the path they are going down ends with memory loss they can't help is EMOTONALLY draining. Especially when you have no legal ties and they don't have to let you help. How do you swoop in? How? I'm not willing to walk away, because being the only family left in their eyes has brought me to a point where I feel like I am watching another grandparent die slowly, before my eyes, and I am powerless. POWERLESS is scary.

Do you know what it's like to be numb, and then all of a sudden have ALL the feels. See with PTSD when I don't manage my symptoms I wall up and grow numb for the most part. It is easy not to feel because you can sweep it all under the rug. Managing my PTSD means I have to deal with ALL the feelings. It's especially fun when I am in insurance limbo and doing this with few resources.

It's like I am sitting at the head of a Mad Hatter Tea Party, as Alice with her pretty dress, but the dress is long to hide the peg leg underneath ( just like a pirate leg). I got Eeyore from Winnie the pooh on my left with his rain cloud and it's starting to rain ( Depression). I have Caption Jack Sparrow on the right, who of course is drunk and still drinking rum ( all my self destructive behaviors) . I have Sadness from Inside Out ( she is self explanatory, however she is how I feel I look like). I have my sidekick Stitch ( hubby isn't an emotion but he is Stitch like and needs to be at the party). I have Ralph from Wreck It Ralph ( Anger). My pet unicorn Sprinkles is sitting on the table smelling Sunflowers. Alice is somehow supposed to be in charge of all this.

This is how I feel day in and day out. This is currently me battling things in my universe and battling PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. It isn't always going to be a shit show, and it won't always be rainbows and sunshine.

I am and Alice and this is my tea party. Will you still sit at my table?
*** EDIT: I do not own the rights to the Characters names nor am I affiliated with any of that copyright stuff. Character names are used to invoke a mental image of said scenario crafted by me. ****

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