If you knew my whole story, you would be proud of me.
Dear Whoever Reads This,
If it's my mom, you probably won't like this one. This is your warning. Seriously stop. Okay, here's the thing, I talk openly about my PTSD, I have no shame in saying I have Borderline Personality Disorder. These don't fully define me but they are a part of me.
I blog, and like nobody reads it, well besides my mom, so I tend to put it out there. It is public but it is safe because I am a hermit, a wallflower, a sideline sitter, one of those forgotten people. I am very used to this. I tend to write for the hopes that one day someone who sees this will be like yes, she gets me. I am not alone.
Today isn't going to be on those blogs. This one is for me. This one is because I need to get the thoughts out of my head. They are starting to eat me up from the inside and I can not hold it in any longer.
I have been in therapy for a while, like two years now or something. For a long time my day to life was Chaos, and I was in survival mode. I didn't have to feel things from the past because the goal was to work through the present. Well, life calmed down. We finally started working our way back into the past. It was different this time, because I was fully aware of my feelings I was no longer numb.
It hurts to relive the past and not be numb. Sometimes it is like the trauma happens all over again. This is your trigger warning, I am briefly going to talk about some of the heavy shit, because I need to say the words. If you are reading this and you are like #metoo, reach out, I will listen, we can be hot messes together. I got you.
For me the trauma started with being raped in college. It lead to a pretty fucked up year. From the rape, I was then sexually assaulted ( there is a difference in my head, and I debate with my therapist about this. I stand firm as there is a difference) by my then boyfriend. Who was also physically and emotionally abusive. I am not a small girl by any term of the word, my adult life I have weighed over 250. At this time I probably weighed closer to 250. He picked me up by my throat. I am only 5'2, but weighing around 250, he lifted me up high enough I couldn't touch the ground. I can not stand to have the front of the throat touched. Want to see me turn to a puddle? Accidentally touch the front of throat. I relive that night at the slightest touch, HOWEVER most of the time ( most) I can pull myself back together and after a few minutes I can move on.
There is more but the trauma falls back into the same category, some man takes my power away and hurts me. He hurts me with violence, he hurts me with words, he scares me, he violates my body, he hurts my soul.
This, this is the shit I don't talk about. The labels make it so don't have to say anything. Then sometimes when I do, it feel taboo to talk about. Then I feel guilty for needing to say the words that most of the time I don't want to. Victim guilt, survivor guilt, is real, and for reasons that aren't my part of the story to tell, I deal with too. Then I feel even worse.
So I hide. I hide behind the labels. The ability to be a survivor and know I don't owe anyone an explanation. I can share what I want when I want. Until I want to share, and then I feel like I can't. When I can't hide behind the labels, I hide behind the ever flowing emotions in my life.
Borderline Personality Disorder is interesting, sometimes I am numb and sometimes not only can I see the vibrations of the sound I can feel it with every fiber of my body. I can be self aware and make crappy decisions. I am not good at working through these emotions because I am either numb or feel to much. I get no middle ground. When your brain is not hard wired to function with middle ground, you sure as hell can't be in the middle of the storm and find your way out.
Let me say this again so you understand this, when your brain is not hard wired to function with middle ground, you sure as hell can't be in the middle of the storm and find your way out.
I have no middle ground, when I should have middle ground, I default to numb. I am no longer really making choices, the emotions are. Then I am a drama queen. Then I am over emotional. Then I am tip toeing around myself, you can't run from yourself people, you can't unthink your thoughts. I am stuck with me. I am stuck inside my brain, my body, me feelings, my emotions.
I get so good at functioning with the storm going on in my head, you won't really see it. Yes my house will be messy. My kids will be clean and feed. The middle child might not having matching clothes, because I don't have enough fight left me in to battle over his clothes, but they will be clean. There will a disaster in the living room, because that is where the kids play, and well I have no fight left. They will be tucked into bed every night, with hugs and kisses, I love you's and one more hug.
But inside my head, the monster is alive. I am losing the battle within myself. Partially because I don't like to talk about this stuff and the what happened, and partially because people don't know how to handle the person with the emotions. I say this all the time because the majority of people don't get it, it's easier to be numb, easier isn't better, but it's so much easier to be numb.
Feelings, feelings are hard.
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed with Emotion
a.k.a The Drama Queen
If it's my mom, you probably won't like this one. This is your warning. Seriously stop. Okay, here's the thing, I talk openly about my PTSD, I have no shame in saying I have Borderline Personality Disorder. These don't fully define me but they are a part of me.
I blog, and like nobody reads it, well besides my mom, so I tend to put it out there. It is public but it is safe because I am a hermit, a wallflower, a sideline sitter, one of those forgotten people. I am very used to this. I tend to write for the hopes that one day someone who sees this will be like yes, she gets me. I am not alone.
Today isn't going to be on those blogs. This one is for me. This one is because I need to get the thoughts out of my head. They are starting to eat me up from the inside and I can not hold it in any longer.
I have been in therapy for a while, like two years now or something. For a long time my day to life was Chaos, and I was in survival mode. I didn't have to feel things from the past because the goal was to work through the present. Well, life calmed down. We finally started working our way back into the past. It was different this time, because I was fully aware of my feelings I was no longer numb.
It hurts to relive the past and not be numb. Sometimes it is like the trauma happens all over again. This is your trigger warning, I am briefly going to talk about some of the heavy shit, because I need to say the words. If you are reading this and you are like #metoo, reach out, I will listen, we can be hot messes together. I got you.
For me the trauma started with being raped in college. It lead to a pretty fucked up year. From the rape, I was then sexually assaulted ( there is a difference in my head, and I debate with my therapist about this. I stand firm as there is a difference) by my then boyfriend. Who was also physically and emotionally abusive. I am not a small girl by any term of the word, my adult life I have weighed over 250. At this time I probably weighed closer to 250. He picked me up by my throat. I am only 5'2, but weighing around 250, he lifted me up high enough I couldn't touch the ground. I can not stand to have the front of the throat touched. Want to see me turn to a puddle? Accidentally touch the front of throat. I relive that night at the slightest touch, HOWEVER most of the time ( most) I can pull myself back together and after a few minutes I can move on.
There is more but the trauma falls back into the same category, some man takes my power away and hurts me. He hurts me with violence, he hurts me with words, he scares me, he violates my body, he hurts my soul.
This, this is the shit I don't talk about. The labels make it so don't have to say anything. Then sometimes when I do, it feel taboo to talk about. Then I feel guilty for needing to say the words that most of the time I don't want to. Victim guilt, survivor guilt, is real, and for reasons that aren't my part of the story to tell, I deal with too. Then I feel even worse.
So I hide. I hide behind the labels. The ability to be a survivor and know I don't owe anyone an explanation. I can share what I want when I want. Until I want to share, and then I feel like I can't. When I can't hide behind the labels, I hide behind the ever flowing emotions in my life.
Borderline Personality Disorder is interesting, sometimes I am numb and sometimes not only can I see the vibrations of the sound I can feel it with every fiber of my body. I can be self aware and make crappy decisions. I am not good at working through these emotions because I am either numb or feel to much. I get no middle ground. When your brain is not hard wired to function with middle ground, you sure as hell can't be in the middle of the storm and find your way out.
Let me say this again so you understand this, when your brain is not hard wired to function with middle ground, you sure as hell can't be in the middle of the storm and find your way out.
I have no middle ground, when I should have middle ground, I default to numb. I am no longer really making choices, the emotions are. Then I am a drama queen. Then I am over emotional. Then I am tip toeing around myself, you can't run from yourself people, you can't unthink your thoughts. I am stuck with me. I am stuck inside my brain, my body, me feelings, my emotions.
I get so good at functioning with the storm going on in my head, you won't really see it. Yes my house will be messy. My kids will be clean and feed. The middle child might not having matching clothes, because I don't have enough fight left me in to battle over his clothes, but they will be clean. There will a disaster in the living room, because that is where the kids play, and well I have no fight left. They will be tucked into bed every night, with hugs and kisses, I love you's and one more hug.
But inside my head, the monster is alive. I am losing the battle within myself. Partially because I don't like to talk about this stuff and the what happened, and partially because people don't know how to handle the person with the emotions. I say this all the time because the majority of people don't get it, it's easier to be numb, easier isn't better, but it's so much easier to be numb.
Feelings, feelings are hard.
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed with Emotion
a.k.a The Drama Queen
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