The Let Down

      I think it's been made pretty clear through my writing I keep my circle small, I feel deeply,  and I always feel like an outsider. Something big I had planned last month happened. Something I had to reschedule once because of things out of control. Something that was important to me I waited two years to do. 

    My husband and I renewed our vows. I would like to say it was an easy thing and my friends and family gathered and it was a great big party. However, like all parties I plan it didn't go that way. Family showed up because well, I  really am lucky there. They are the people I know I can depend on. A few other people really stepped up and shocked the hell out of and made it the event that it was. The numbers were small, but because they were there to support me I kept it together that day. It was a good day. 

    However,  there was some people that really, really let me down. I'm ride or die. I'm loyal to a fault, let me say that again I am loyal to a fault. I don't know how stupid they think I am but when you give someone an excuse and then post other things on FB, it showed how they felt about me. I'm that throw away friend for a lot of people it feels like. I get to a point and I get tired of chasing people. I get tired of the one way street feeling but I hold on hoping they come .

    I deal with a lot here, life is chaos, and I have to pour into my kids because home is the safe space. Home is where it doesn't matter you are weird, you have Autism, you have PTSD, and the other diagnosis that are in this house. Home is the safe space for them so I suck it up and stuff the feelings down. Expectations that are our daily life don't change. I have to function, I have to. 

    I stuffed my feelings down as best as I could for that reason. I've been spiraling for the last month. I pulled away from the conversations and the relationships of people who are always there because I was burying my head in the sand. It's easier to go numb till I'm ready to feel. 

    Then something else happened and I just couldn't hold it all in. I had to cope with the mess of thoughts and feelings.  Depression sucks, and the clean up after these emotional breakdowns is draining. I'm doing it though, I'm regrouping and moving forward.  

   I'm back to feeling. I'm back to peopling in small doses because if anything I know where I stand with some people.  I can support them from a far, but don't for one second think I have forgotten.  The let down drew a line in the sand. I know who made love show up, and those people just became the ones I know who have my back. The circle gets smaller, again.