We all fight a battle behind closed doors Part 2
Part one wasn't personal at all because I simple wasn't ready to discuss what was going on. Since this is such a public forum I am not getting into it too deeply, it's just my perspective we shall discuss.
Being a stay at home mom with a crazy schedule of doctor appointments, meetings and such between the three boys, there isn't a lot of me time. Having a husband who works nights and one vehicle doesn't make for an easy juggle of struggles. Trying to do it all and be it all is exhausting. Facebook is my only adult conversation place for the bulk of my communication, and I still only interact with about five people. Worrying about IEP's and pediatrician appointments, and being available at the drop of a hat for the schools calls doesn't help any either.
Sometimes I feel like the lone ranger. Actually to be honest most of the time I feel like the ranger. I make the joke of being superwomen when really I don't feel like I do enough. I am a people pleaser so I get a little needy for "hey you are doing a good job," so when I don't get it, I get hard on myself. Really, really hard on myself. It just about destroys me when all I hear is my flaws, because really I am trying, there is just one of me and so many more of people who seem to have a piece of me.
The first thing that went, was my broken ankle. That meant no running. That meant I lost my momentum with losing weight. Since the end of May I have gained fourty freaking pounds of carbs, and sweets, and eating my feelings.
Then came the wonderful woes of puberty for the oldest, and nothing was the same. There was a major change in him and we are still trying to work through it. I seem to be the catalist, the whole mom thing but not the mom thing as he is my stepson. Depending on who you talk to it's his Autism or it's me being a shitty parent, or it's a combination of the two. I am not really sure how I feel about what IS the problem so we will leave this one here.
I have a five year old going through the "Threenager" stage. If you don't know this is when they decide they are a mini grown up, and have LOTS of feelings and opinions. On EVERY SINGLE THING. He is delayed so at five he hits the threenager stage, just in time for Kindergarten. We also had a regression in potty training. So it's been pack a baby bag and a just in case bag. Also the start of Kindergarten, away from Headstart and my safety little bubble we had going there. I had trust there, I was confident, so the change was hard on me. I have to trust these people I don't know..........
The baby stated some hardcore teething. He screams this pitchy little scream that makes my eardrums vibrate and send shooting pains. He is in pain, I know, but still ouch for him and for my ears. I think I lost some hearing (seriously). The inventor of Popsicle will forever be my friend.
My mom moved this summer too. That was weird. (Sorry mom, still getting used to it.) It meant an ending in the chapter of the house I grew up in still being part of the vision of what a traditional family looks like. Yes as a grown up this threw me back a bit. I am getting used to it and still trying to be respectful that even though she is closer it doesn't mean I call her for everything. Actually if you ask her she might tell you that I should call her more just because I bottle everything inside and never go anywhere.
There was other things here and there. It made me feel like I had to step up and add more on to my plate, whether or not it was implied, I still felt obligated to do something. So I did. A few times people walked out of my life, and that door will remain closed, because I have to care more for me than they do, actions speak louder.
I gained fourty pounds, daily panic attacks, daily migraines that ache so bad they make my whole body hurt to the touch, insomnia, depression, low self confidence, and just overall an inability to do much to make things better. I shut down. I pushed most everybody away. I live in a constant state of frustration and disappoint whether it's in my own head or it's people saying so, or it's just bad communication.
I fought the good fight behind a closed door. I need to open that door. I need you to understand and to remind me that I can't do it all, that I can't be it all. I need to be reminded that my health and well being is important. I need someone not to let the walls go up fiercely, who will stand there with a pick axe and tear away at it as fast as I try to put it up ( Yes Amy I know you are reading this, yes this is you) . I need someone to say yes it sucks now but it will get better.
Tomorrow I see the doctor for the first time in a year. Maybe I will just print this out and hand it to him..................
Being a stay at home mom with a crazy schedule of doctor appointments, meetings and such between the three boys, there isn't a lot of me time. Having a husband who works nights and one vehicle doesn't make for an easy juggle of struggles. Trying to do it all and be it all is exhausting. Facebook is my only adult conversation place for the bulk of my communication, and I still only interact with about five people. Worrying about IEP's and pediatrician appointments, and being available at the drop of a hat for the schools calls doesn't help any either.
Sometimes I feel like the lone ranger. Actually to be honest most of the time I feel like the ranger. I make the joke of being superwomen when really I don't feel like I do enough. I am a people pleaser so I get a little needy for "hey you are doing a good job," so when I don't get it, I get hard on myself. Really, really hard on myself. It just about destroys me when all I hear is my flaws, because really I am trying, there is just one of me and so many more of people who seem to have a piece of me.
The first thing that went, was my broken ankle. That meant no running. That meant I lost my momentum with losing weight. Since the end of May I have gained fourty freaking pounds of carbs, and sweets, and eating my feelings.
Then came the wonderful woes of puberty for the oldest, and nothing was the same. There was a major change in him and we are still trying to work through it. I seem to be the catalist, the whole mom thing but not the mom thing as he is my stepson. Depending on who you talk to it's his Autism or it's me being a shitty parent, or it's a combination of the two. I am not really sure how I feel about what IS the problem so we will leave this one here.
I have a five year old going through the "Threenager" stage. If you don't know this is when they decide they are a mini grown up, and have LOTS of feelings and opinions. On EVERY SINGLE THING. He is delayed so at five he hits the threenager stage, just in time for Kindergarten. We also had a regression in potty training. So it's been pack a baby bag and a just in case bag. Also the start of Kindergarten, away from Headstart and my safety little bubble we had going there. I had trust there, I was confident, so the change was hard on me. I have to trust these people I don't know..........
The baby stated some hardcore teething. He screams this pitchy little scream that makes my eardrums vibrate and send shooting pains. He is in pain, I know, but still ouch for him and for my ears. I think I lost some hearing (seriously). The inventor of Popsicle will forever be my friend.
My mom moved this summer too. That was weird. (Sorry mom, still getting used to it.) It meant an ending in the chapter of the house I grew up in still being part of the vision of what a traditional family looks like. Yes as a grown up this threw me back a bit. I am getting used to it and still trying to be respectful that even though she is closer it doesn't mean I call her for everything. Actually if you ask her she might tell you that I should call her more just because I bottle everything inside and never go anywhere.
There was other things here and there. It made me feel like I had to step up and add more on to my plate, whether or not it was implied, I still felt obligated to do something. So I did. A few times people walked out of my life, and that door will remain closed, because I have to care more for me than they do, actions speak louder.
I gained fourty pounds, daily panic attacks, daily migraines that ache so bad they make my whole body hurt to the touch, insomnia, depression, low self confidence, and just overall an inability to do much to make things better. I shut down. I pushed most everybody away. I live in a constant state of frustration and disappoint whether it's in my own head or it's people saying so, or it's just bad communication.
I fought the good fight behind a closed door. I need to open that door. I need you to understand and to remind me that I can't do it all, that I can't be it all. I need to be reminded that my health and well being is important. I need someone not to let the walls go up fiercely, who will stand there with a pick axe and tear away at it as fast as I try to put it up ( Yes Amy I know you are reading this, yes this is you) . I need someone to say yes it sucks now but it will get better.
Tomorrow I see the doctor for the first time in a year. Maybe I will just print this out and hand it to him..................
Hugs! Love your heart!
ReplyDeleteI read this again before I commented it was a nice reflection, things are better, because well I sought help. I am all heart, I love hard, and I fall hard.
Delete