Hello

In life I have come across many people. In life I have endured more then most people will ever understand. In life, there are some deep scars that occupy my heart. They can't be seen from the outside, but inside, the scars are deep.  There was the man who I thought I loved, and he broke my young heart. He taught me a lot about perception, and people who are two faced. I thought I knew him, but man was I wrong. I was young, naive, and clueless. When your fresh out of high school you think you know it all, you think you are invincible. He taught me a lot, I was living outside of the safety bubble, I was fresh and new into the world. He was an eye opener, I don't think I actually loved him, I was still in love with the idea of the fairy tale.  Then there was the stranger who took something from me I can never get back. I wasn't prepared, nor ready. I was still naive, and young, he left a scar deep in my heart. It left me shattered and confused. I didn't speak about ...

I don't know what it is about summer, it always seems to be more chaotic then I expect it to be. It always seems to either stand still with time, or fly by. I accomplish the world, or start fall with a mess of a house and unfinished projects. For me, putting a name on things, labeling trauma, are very scary things. It makes everything concrete, it makes it real. It validates is happens, it becomes real, raw, and unavoidable. I avoid  a lot of things until I am ready because well, I have this really bad habit of sweeping things under the rug. Gray areas, I really hate them. I am more black and white kind of thinking. If it's wrong today it will be wrong tomorrow. You can do the wrong thing for the right reason if I can see your heart is in it, it's still wrong but I can forgive that. When you get into the clearly heavy stuff, the stuff that no matter your reasons is wrong, like hurting someone on purpose, then it's unforgivable. Now you are like, well these three t...

Dear  Whoever Reads This, If it's my mom, you probably won't like this one. This is your warning. Seriously stop. Okay, here's the thing, I talk openly about my PTSD, I have no shame in saying I have Borderline Personality Disorder. These don't fully define me but they are a part of me. I blog, and like nobody reads it, well besides my mom, so I tend to put it out there. It is public but it is safe because I am a hermit, a wallflower, a sideline sitter, one of those forgotten people. I am very used to this. I tend to write for the hopes that one day someone who sees this will be like yes, she gets me. I am not alone. Today isn't going to be on those blogs. This one is for me. This one is because I need to get the thoughts out of my head. They are starting to eat me up from the inside and I can not hold it in any longer. I have been in therapy for a while, like two years now or something. For a long time my day to life was Chaos, and I was in survival mode. I...

I have been thinking about things lately, big things, things I haven't said because well the world seems to keep me down. I find myself constantly lost at being the one who sits on the sidelines, and the one who leads the group. The silent one, and the voice. I often feel like I am two people trapped in one body. My heart tells me to follow my passion. My heart says to be the voice, to be loud, to be proud. My heart says blaze a path a mile wide and leave the haters in wake of the flames. My heart says I can do this. My brain, well, it says to not rock the boat. To stay in the sidelines is safe. I won't be shame on anyone for being me, or loud, I just won't be noticed. My brain says this is okay because who remembers me, or who really cares. Sometimes I wonder how I got kids who are so confident. My flighty little bird, who is proud of his leggings and his love of my Little Ponies. My oldest, who thinks the world should play by his rules because to him it makes sense,...

The thing with me is my day can change so fast. I can be the one who was laughing and then I read something or I hear something, sometime's it's a simple as a stupid commercial, and my day has gone to shit. This is Borderline Personality Disorder. My reaction time is so quick I could make your head spin, before you have taken in a breathe and released it, I have done a complete 180. This is me every day. It's exhausting trying to be normal. It's exhausting to know that I am being completely irrational and yet I honestly can not control my feelings. I have to work really really hard to pull myself in and not blow my top. I have to talk to myself like it's not me I am talking to, because we tend to be nicer when we are talking to others in crisis. Right now as I type, I have this tab up and another one on FB as I await the message back from hubs letting me know when he will be home. As a pre-warning he has been told I am in a mood, and I hate my brain. This mornin...

It It's been a long week, says me in the middle of Wednesday. Here is the thing with this statement, it means I am done. It means I want to crawl into my bed and ignore being an adult. My brain won't shut off. I am stuck in this uncertainty feeling that I am messing up everything. My Insomnia, my depression, my PTSD, my labels are starting to consume me. From the outside I hide it well. To many on the outside it looks like business as usual. This is my mask. I have a pretty high ability to maintain just enough of my normal routine that I make it through. If I see you I will smile. I will tell you I am tired, and for most they don't understand my tired, they look at me as a mom, and well what Mom isn't tired? My tired, well my tired, is different. I am exhausted, mentally, and physically from fighting the demons that live in my head. You can't run from your thoughts, so my brain spends all day running from one thing to the next. The mask is really good at ...

     I said to my mom, " I am an introvert with extrovert responsibilities." She said it was a good idea for my next blog. I laughed. She will probably steal this wording, and it will be one of those that live as a Jessism, sometimes I stumble into greatness.     I think we need to look quickly at the introverts and extroverts, in my world my Mom is an extrovert. She could talk to people all day long, she can think on her feet. She can people on the fly, without batting an eye.     Me on the other hand, I have called my husband from inside the grocery store crying before because there was too many people. I have called him from the parking lot because I couldn't handle other drivers and I was white knuckle griping the steering wheel. I still have to bring people to my appointments because either I can't drive myself there, or I won't talk, or I just won't go. Yes, all three of those reasons are different. This means, I don't people well.   ...

How did we get to almost the end of November already? Two years ago I was basically in the same place physically. I threw out my knee. I sulked for MONTHS and MONTHS after this happened. A few days before Thanksgiving in 2018, I blew out my knee again, I sit pondering the irony in this. I just had finished doing those appointments this year, as strange as that seems but yes I really waited two years to follow up with the specialist. Another year almost gone by. Another year, when life totally didn't go as planned. Another year, another excuse. Another year, another reset. Another broken record. Or is it? Truthfully, I accomplished great things, you just can't see from the outside. I battled my PTSD and my Borderline Personality Disorder for much of the year. I opened up, to a new therapist non the less. I have talked about the skeletons that are in my closet, and I gave them back to the universe, they don't belong in my closet. I survived hell, I am not a victim. ...

A few weeks ago there was a bad night here. It cemented two things for me, I have PTSD and my flight, fight freeze response is off, well more then off, like totally of the rails, down the ditch and into the water never to be found again. There was something going on in the neighborhood. Usually I mind my own business because life has taught me it always ends poorly for me. The urge because this night was different was strong so I waited till the moment was safer as it was dark, and had hubby come with me. Let's say the whole thing went left. Not only was a knife pulled but I entirely frooze. I felt like the world was spinning away from me and I was frozen. I felt like I was in a nightmare. While I was standing there being charged at, my husband looked me square in the face, touched my elbow, and in three very clear, consise words brought me back to earth, " House, run, now." I'm not sure if that's what he really said, but my memory that is all he said. Now, ...

Deep Thoughts By Jessica: I realize with Grayson starting pre k, and him outgrowing his 3t clothes, that I HAVE NO MORE BABIES. There will be none coming from this house, now what the heck do I do with this clothes I don't want to get rid of because all three boys wore half of this stuff. Hold me while I cry. Tough love. It breaks my heart to give it. It breaks my heart when I find one of the boys in a situation where I have to let them sink or swim. They have to learn, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch especially when they are making the wrong choice. Watching someone from the older generation slip away, because the path they are going down ends with memory loss they can't help is EMOTONALLY draining. Especially when you have no legal ties and they don't have to let you help. How do you swoop in? How? I'm not willing to walk away, because being the only family left in their eyes has brought me to a point where I feel like I am wa...