Hello

 The year of 2024 has been the year of death and goodbye. There are 12 months in a year, we just started December, and the number of people who meant something to me who we said our final goodbye's to is currently 11, ELEVEN. I'm going to spend the next month on pins and needles just trying to figure out if we hit 12. That's a lot of death.  One person I remember driving home from a vacation and getting the news. One I knew was sick and was going to go. One person, had cut me out of her life years ago, but on legal paperwork I was the last one listed, and I wrote her obituary. One person who passed, it was the closing to a horrible rotten chapter that I don't have to live through anymore. A few were sudden and surprising. A few lost their battles to addictions.  This is the year I walk away from far more jaded then I started. This is the year on top of losing people to death, friendships were severed, lines were crossed, and there is no going back. I am far to grown to ...

     I live in a strange bubble, those who are in my niche little communities know me as this voice, they know me as this strong advocate. In real life, it's comical how quickly I can sit in the background and not be seen or acknowledged. Sometimes I feel like I live a double life in this bubble, the struggle to be seen and the struggle to not want to be seen can be an interesting balance. I know at almost 40 I feel like I should have this a bit more figured out, but then again, does anybody know what they are doing honestly?  I feel everything and nothing.  I am strong but yet weak.  I am caring but yet I can be petty and sometimes vengeful.  I am honest but can mask a thousand things when I need to.  I want to be loved but live by the motto, leave before you are left.  I want to be seen but yet I like to hide in the back of the room when I am unsure.  I want everything but feel like I am deserving of nothing.  I can be outgoi...

 Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. This is where you find the invisibles as I call it. Can you see Autism,Anziety, PTSD, Depression and many other disabilities/disorders/ or even diseases? No, you can't physically see the titles, but what you can see is aftereffects.  I stand in the grocery isle, usually it's the dairy isle for some reason, but I stand in the dairy isle, I reach for the cooler door, and fumble a bit, it happens to everyone not a big deal right?  What you don't see, is I feel the brain fog coming in. My heart starts racing. My brain can't get my mouth to open. This moment has been coming wether I knew it or not, it's been coming.  My husband looks at me and whispers "hun are you okay? " I shake my head no. He touches my hand and says "How can I help?" I can't speak my body won't let me. So we sit on the floor. We sit till I feel stable enough to get up. I sit with my head leaned back on...

      I think it's been made pretty clear through my writing I keep my circle small, I feel deeply,  and I always feel like an outsider. Something big I had planned last month happened. Something I had to reschedule once because of things out of control. Something that was important to me I waited two years to do.      My husband and I renewed our vows. I would like to say it was an easy thing and my friends and family gathered and it was a great big party. However, like all parties I plan it didn't go that way. Family showed up because well, I  really am lucky there. They are the people I know I can depend on. A few other people really stepped up and shocked the hell out of and made it the event that it was. The numbers were small, but because they were there to support me I kept it together that day. It was a good day.      However,  there was some people that really, really let me down. I'm ride or die. I'm loyal to a fault,...

  I keep my circle small. So small in fact, that when I post these publicly I know the vast majority of people I know in real life will blow past this post. It's been proven since 2014? is that my first post on here.  The person who started writing then isn't the same person who is writing now. She was lonely and desperately trying to fit in somewhere, anywhere. She was overwhelmed and struggling with so  many things, so many. The person who started this set off to save the world through her writing. The person who started off writing, I wish I could hug her, and tell her, she is going to become so much more of the person she wanted to be.  The person writing now, she's been through some shit. She has healed from some shit. She still feels lonely, I don't think we ever stop having those moments, we are human. I know I will never fit in to the places I spent most of my life trying to. I am in a race, with myself most days, just trying to be better then yesterday. Life...

  Isn't that a crazy quote? I saw it looking for something profound and motivational to spin a blog off of. Nearing almost 40 I felt this quote in my soul. Would I consider myself ever been popular? No. Would I say I have had lots of friends? No. Would I ever call myself a trend setter...........guess what the answer is....NO! This quote speaks to me for that reason.  I was and have been the token chubby kid in most peoples lives growing up. I was told I would be prettier if I lost weight. I would get along better with people if I just wasn't so dramatic. I was told if I didn't care so much I wouldn't get hurt so much. I grew up with a love hate relationship with food, still do. I grew up feeling like my value as a person was intertwined with my appearance. I wasn't outwardly attractive by many peoples standards so I internalized it, and it made me find myself not loveable. This is a battle that I have fought most of my life, I know many people have to.  I've wa...

I got on the scale this morning, and I have gained 25 pounds since last fall. It might not sound like a lot but when you take into considered I worked my ass off for almost 2 years to loose about 100 pounds, this is huge setback. It should be very apparent if you are on my friends list that my health since last Fall, has been a roller coaster. The number while it sucks to have the set back, is a number. It doesn't show there has been at least 50 appointments for various things, two trips to the ER, and I picked up a few more diagnosis, because why just one. One will make me gain weight, yeah me, I already struggle to loose weight so that one really sucks. The number on the scale also doesn't show that I have made some progress. I have a thigh gap, I never thought that would happen but it did, it doesn't matter how small, a change in the positive direction, is still a change. My bat wings are also smaller, I still have them but they are smaller. The number on the scale doe...

 Sometimes I have to write the thoughts rolling around in my head. It is especially important lately as I talk to less and less people. I don't know if it's my view on my relationships or if it is in fact what is happening but I feel like the throw away person. I have felt this most of my life too. It is a symptom of having Borderline Personality Disorder, but what gets harder to figure out is when I get to a point where I feel like I am doing a good job of managing that part of my lift, are these feelings true?  Covid came, and it still lingers. This is one thing that really screwed up a lot of peoples relationships. I got used to living life through Zooms, but it did nothing but increase my anxiety about going out. I feel like I was just starting to come around again and then..........my world got rocked.  Epilepsy is something I never really expected to have to talk about. It wasn't something that was on my radar, so when I got diagnosed, at a weird age in my life, no ...

 I got to thinking lately, which can be dangerous for me. I got to thinking about relationships, specifically  my relationships with males.  The relationships within the family were different. My senior year in high school, I felt more like I had to serve as some version of a caretaker for a family member. I am not sure if our relationship ever fully recovered. My Grampa was my knight in shining armor, and later I would learn I got the VERY best version of him. I am glad I learned what I did, it did taint the image a bit, but it gave me a bigger picture. Something I think I needed, it allowed me to get closer to other people in the family. The only person in my family, who is still alive, who weathered all the storms with me, and is still there for me, is my brother.  Now something interesting is I didn't starting dating until college. The relationships I had in high school felt more surface level, there was only two people that went deeper then surface level. I am a...