Hello

      I think it is important to note that the vast majority of the year, I haven't wrote nearly as much as I wanted to, because I try to tread very lightly on the line between this is my story to tell, and what would my 13 year old feel if he reads this later in life.      If perhaps this is still up and he is the one reading it I want you to know this, you will always be my first baby. I am sorry things never got easier this year. I am sorry you won't be home for Christmas or your birthday. I am sorry this was hard. I don't regret the ending here, I don't regret where you are right now. I loved you enough to let you go and get the help you needed. We tried bud, we did, and someday if not yet, I hope you understand this, I loved you enough to let you go.      That's pretty much all you get for that child, the youngest started home head start. Next year he might go to the real school. The middle child we are in the home stretch of him get...

I sat in the rocking chair, and listened to this women talking to me. I wasn't fully in it today. It comes with the territory. I was having an off day, she has grown to understand this. These are the days my responses are short, but sometimes I am very insightful. I told her I felt like my crazy had been showing. I felt like I was never going to be able to go back into that mold of what society accepts. I told her I felt like I was at a crossroads. I told her I wanted to fit in, even though I never had, that there was this longing and yearning to be more. I sat in that rocking chair in that corner of the room, semi blankly staring out the window at the autumn leaves on the trees when she said, " Jess, it's not about you and them. You ARE them. You just don't see it. You can fit in, I never would have known in the grocery store that day I saw you that you are the emotional person in my office." It's not me and them? It's not me living on the outside o...

It has been two months since I last wrote. The funny thing is, when I think of what has happened nationally, and then in my own little bubble it is AMAZING, some good, some bad, some things I haven't decided where I stand. We got to the end of a really long hard road. One child no longer lives with us. He is a good home where he can get the help he needs. The goal is always to get him to be able to function as a member of this house. For now, it means he doesn't live here. While this was hard, and I found myself fighting with my choice, ultimately, he is where he needs to be. He can come home for visits and we can call him so it's not like we can't have contact with him. My middle child Jon, has also come almost to the end of another long road. We have a diagnosis of ADD ( Attention Deficient Disorder) Dyslexia ( typically this is where they difficulty in learning to read or interpret words, letters, and other symbols) and very good chance he also has Dyspraxia (dif...

My breathe grew sharp. I got cold chills. There was a ringing in my ears. I told myself I was safe. I continued driving. I drove for the next ten minutes, white knuckled barely breathing. There was the toddler in the back happily talking to me about going to the store. I gritted my teeth and spoke calmly, the words left my mouth broken but he was unaware. He was unaware that his mom in driver seat just took everything she had to make it to our destination while having one of the worst meltdowns to date. I was loopy, I was exhausted. I hurt from the tips of my toes to the top of white hairs on my head. My skin hurt to the touch. My clothes caused immense pain. I called my best friend and put her on stand by for a rescue mission. I got a hold of husband. Between the two of them they got me calm enough, and the good adrenaline ( not the bad adrenaline where I feel constantly under attack) kicked in and I somehow mustered the energy to go grocery shopping. Now, remember I have one ki...

If you follow me, you will have learned a few things about me. One is I have three boys, another is two are special needs, you should be aware by now that I have PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder is the new one. If you share any of these things with me you probably have already figured out most of my friends live in my computer. If you can't fully relate, let me give you some insight on this complicated situation. First off, my oldest has spent much of the summer in the hospital. There is only a handful of people who I have actually told this. I haven't explained this because well he is thirteen, I feel partly this isn't my story to tell completely and partly because well I am so jaded now, I have a hard time letting people in. This will lead you to the second thing, I want to have friends, but I don't want to be hurt. It's hard to trust when you are jaded and have been through more shit then people will ever fully realize because you feel like a burden ...

It's been almost 40 days since you walked out the door, well more like ran. Your glasses fell and hit the road. You had a destination. We changed that destination and it forever has changed our path. Dear Child of Mine, I am writing you this letter to let you know the 40 days we have spent apart were not without merit. We felt like we were going to get you something better. Our regret, your Daddy and I, is we thought you were in a safe place. We thought it was where you needed to be. We were wrong. We were lied to. My dear child, when you look back on this time I hope you see that it was with a good heart and faith in system, that we found out was broken while you were away, that we tried our best. I know it wasn't fun for you. Believe me, it wasn't all fun and games for us either. While you were away you missed birthdays, and our first trip to Santa's Village. Your brother turned three. We had fun. We missed you. I held your brothers as they cried worried about...

I was just sitting here after having the first conversation with a mom where I wasn't in mental crisis or crying or just overall fighting the demons in my head and wondered what it must feel like to be her. I was sitting here imagining how hard it is to have a child, ( I'm an adult but mom law states I am always her child) who you never know what kind of mood they will be in. I was sitting here thinking how emotionally draining that must be to have to be the calm one, the rational one, the one to risk the conversation and potentially set your child off, to try and get them to take care of themselves. To ask how they slept, if they took their meds, if they showered, if they made it to their doctors appointment. I was like damn that must suck. I really started feeling bad for my mom. You don't sign up for that. You don't always know what to say or what to do, and you risk with every conversation that they will cry and you won't fully understand why. Then, honest...

* Please note, given this week, and feeling triggered myself because of news media I am opening with the suicide prevention lifeline number. Also please do not read this if you are struggling yourself with suicidal thoughts. I write my way through my emotions, as well as therapy, visits to my psychologists, meditation, self care,  and prescribed meds.* National Suicide Prevention Lifeline We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. 1-800-273-8255 Four months ago I WAS in therapy after basically just having a nervous breakdown. I am still working through EVERYTHING. Later I might see what others saw, until then I am new to owning basically it was a nervous breakdown. I stood in my kitchen with a handful of pills. There was about twenty.In the bedrooms were three sleeping boys. I was strugging with the ch...

I feel like one day I might write about rainbows and sunshine, but today isn't that day. Let's be real those rainbow and sunshine days are only appreciated because of the dark and gloomy days. Sometimes in my life those days turn into weeks, and there can be months where it all just falls apart. It's not always dark and gloomy, there are moments. Life around here is a roller coaster. Some days I have just enough mix to keep me grounded, and some days are fantastic and then well those clouds roll in. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms. They scared the living daylights  out of me. I would hide under the blankets with my Dad's dog in high school through college when those storms rolled in. I didn't understand how something could have so much power and be so destructive. My life is similar to a thunderstorm. With the right conditions ( or in this analogy with the wrong conditions) those clouds stay. My life becomes a hail storm of missed steps. The winds howl wi...

I have 800 projects that need to be done. I to do list of things that need to be accomplished in the next 10 days. A cold that's kicking my ass still. I'm taking it step by step. I get to what I get to. I play outside even it's just for 10 minutes every weekday. I get up and get dressed even if it's just in different pj's. I don't know if you all grasp this, how long it's been since I took care of me. How really profound this is. How hard this is. How exciting it is for me to feel some shred of "normal." How exciting it is to feel something other then sadness or despair. Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD fucking suck. Like seriously I would not wish this on my worst enemy, because then your mind becomes your own worst enemy and it's a battle of survival. The goal every day is just to survive. Not even to live, just to survive. I am starting to live again. It's exciting, and kind of new. It's been so long ...

I started writing this in my sleep the other night. It lead into one of the weirder dreams I have had lately. Upon waking up, like actually waking up, I realized a few things. The first thing I realized, is I hadn't taken my meds in almost a week. The voice in my head that tells me everyone is out to get me, and that my house is infested with mice was back in full force. It's an angry little monster that makes me wish I was dead. I'm passively suicidal, meaning, really I just want to die, I have no intention of actually doing it, I just wish I was. The second thing I realized was that I was sad, and avoiding Grandma Rosie because I missed Grampa Lenny. I don't know if anybody is ever going to understand ( well besides my mom, and my husband) how much it meant to me to be able to call Lenny Grampa Lenny. I have already lost my actual Grandfathers. One I don't miss, I know that sounds horrible, but I am pretty sure he never really actually loved me and it was all ...

The journey of avoiding the nervous breakdown I still find myself cruising down from time to time has not been easy. I find that it was easier to be numb, I didn't say it was healthier, or better for anyone else who knows me, just easier for me. It's hard to open Pandora's box. The first burst of box opening, and the everything hitting you at once, really is hard. You feel like you had made progress then you get hit with everything and it is so overwhelming, that you feel like you failed ( or maybe it's just me, failing seems to be my favorite emotion lately). What do you do with all this once it's opened? I withdrew. I put up all those walls, because it was safer there. I got lost in my own head. I felt like I failed because I didn't know what to do with all that. I felt alone so I made myself almost alone. I reached out just a little, it took the edge of the feelings, it kept me from feeling like the world would be better off without me, but it didn't ...

It's 2017. I barely have my life together. Barely. I am not a supermodel, or super popular, or even mildly popular for that matter. So what is my point? This is my point. NOBODY is as thin, or as popular, or hell even rich as they want to be. Everybody wants to be some better version of who they are, and if they tell you otherwise they are lying, or in denial. I can tell you life here is chaos. It always has been, most likely always will be. I can tell you trying to take care of me now after quite a bit neglect, is a painstaking process, true story, me who is very difficult to draw blood from has a battery of testing to be done. It's not fun all these appointments. I totally get why the kids get so mad at me when we have to go through re-testing and they have like 5 appointments in a month, me I will hit 5 appointments in a 10 day span if I can squeeze in all that lab work ( probably happen on a Saturday). I wish we had a bigger house, a more organized house, a fence, a f...