Hello

I have been thinking about things lately, big things, things I haven't said because well the world seems to keep me down. I find myself constantly lost at being the one who sits on the sidelines, and the one who leads the group. The silent one, and the voice. I often feel like I am two people trapped in one body. My heart tells me to follow my passion. My heart says to be the voice, to be loud, to be proud. My heart says blaze a path a mile wide and leave the haters in wake of the flames. My heart says I can do this. My brain, well, it says to not rock the boat. To stay in the sidelines is safe. I won't be shame on anyone for being me, or loud, I just won't be noticed. My brain says this is okay because who remembers me, or who really cares. Sometimes I wonder how I got kids who are so confident. My flighty little bird, who is proud of his leggings and his love of my Little Ponies. My oldest, who thinks the world should play by his rules because to him it makes sense,...

The thing with me is my day can change so fast. I can be the one who was laughing and then I read something or I hear something, sometime's it's a simple as a stupid commercial, and my day has gone to shit. This is Borderline Personality Disorder. My reaction time is so quick I could make your head spin, before you have taken in a breathe and released it, I have done a complete 180. This is me every day. It's exhausting trying to be normal. It's exhausting to know that I am being completely irrational and yet I honestly can not control my feelings. I have to work really really hard to pull myself in and not blow my top. I have to talk to myself like it's not me I am talking to, because we tend to be nicer when we are talking to others in crisis. Right now as I type, I have this tab up and another one on FB as I await the message back from hubs letting me know when he will be home. As a pre-warning he has been told I am in a mood, and I hate my brain. This mornin...

It It's been a long week, says me in the middle of Wednesday. Here is the thing with this statement, it means I am done. It means I want to crawl into my bed and ignore being an adult. My brain won't shut off. I am stuck in this uncertainty feeling that I am messing up everything. My Insomnia, my depression, my PTSD, my labels are starting to consume me. From the outside I hide it well. To many on the outside it looks like business as usual. This is my mask. I have a pretty high ability to maintain just enough of my normal routine that I make it through. If I see you I will smile. I will tell you I am tired, and for most they don't understand my tired, they look at me as a mom, and well what Mom isn't tired? My tired, well my tired, is different. I am exhausted, mentally, and physically from fighting the demons that live in my head. You can't run from your thoughts, so my brain spends all day running from one thing to the next. The mask is really good at ...

     I said to my mom, " I am an introvert with extrovert responsibilities." She said it was a good idea for my next blog. I laughed. She will probably steal this wording, and it will be one of those that live as a Jessism, sometimes I stumble into greatness.     I think we need to look quickly at the introverts and extroverts, in my world my Mom is an extrovert. She could talk to people all day long, she can think on her feet. She can people on the fly, without batting an eye.     Me on the other hand, I have called my husband from inside the grocery store crying before because there was too many people. I have called him from the parking lot because I couldn't handle other drivers and I was white knuckle griping the steering wheel. I still have to bring people to my appointments because either I can't drive myself there, or I won't talk, or I just won't go. Yes, all three of those reasons are different. This means, I don't people well.   ...

How did we get to almost the end of November already? Two years ago I was basically in the same place physically. I threw out my knee. I sulked for MONTHS and MONTHS after this happened. A few days before Thanksgiving in 2018, I blew out my knee again, I sit pondering the irony in this. I just had finished doing those appointments this year, as strange as that seems but yes I really waited two years to follow up with the specialist. Another year almost gone by. Another year, when life totally didn't go as planned. Another year, another excuse. Another year, another reset. Another broken record. Or is it? Truthfully, I accomplished great things, you just can't see from the outside. I battled my PTSD and my Borderline Personality Disorder for much of the year. I opened up, to a new therapist non the less. I have talked about the skeletons that are in my closet, and I gave them back to the universe, they don't belong in my closet. I survived hell, I am not a victim. ...

A few weeks ago there was a bad night here. It cemented two things for me, I have PTSD and my flight, fight freeze response is off, well more then off, like totally of the rails, down the ditch and into the water never to be found again. There was something going on in the neighborhood. Usually I mind my own business because life has taught me it always ends poorly for me. The urge because this night was different was strong so I waited till the moment was safer as it was dark, and had hubby come with me. Let's say the whole thing went left. Not only was a knife pulled but I entirely frooze. I felt like the world was spinning away from me and I was frozen. I felt like I was in a nightmare. While I was standing there being charged at, my husband looked me square in the face, touched my elbow, and in three very clear, consise words brought me back to earth, " House, run, now." I'm not sure if that's what he really said, but my memory that is all he said. Now, ...

Deep Thoughts By Jessica: I realize with Grayson starting pre k, and him outgrowing his 3t clothes, that I HAVE NO MORE BABIES. There will be none coming from this house, now what the heck do I do with this clothes I don't want to get rid of because all three boys wore half of this stuff. Hold me while I cry. Tough love. It breaks my heart to give it. It breaks my heart when I find one of the boys in a situation where I have to let them sink or swim. They have to learn, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch especially when they are making the wrong choice. Watching someone from the older generation slip away, because the path they are going down ends with memory loss they can't help is EMOTONALLY draining. Especially when you have no legal ties and they don't have to let you help. How do you swoop in? How? I'm not willing to walk away, because being the only family left in their eyes has brought me to a point where I feel like I am wa...

As some parts of the Nation are watching a Momma Orcha go into an unprecedented third week of grieving for her baby calf, I really got to thinking about her, her pod and why this means so much to me. Secretly, (not so secretly if you have been around here for any length of time) you are aware that sometimes my thoughts and feelings take on a life of their own. Sometimes the simplest thing can make me cry or make me angry, my threshold for stress often times can be crossed by the drop of a pin. I had rough pregnancies. There is no denying this, actually Grayson is my miracle baby. We lost him for a week, there was no heartbeat, they said I miscarried. I was too far along to pass him on my own so they were going to have to do an in office procedure, so I went back the next week and to everyone's amazement there was a heartbeat. A strong, loud, can't be missed heartbeat. The baby I had lost was suddenly found. We were elated. We were left with no explanation. I had just grie...

I have sat down to write a blog many times, in fact this is the 5 edit of an attempt to write and non have been posted. Why? Well let me explain, this won't take long. My mind is a swirling vortex of words, thoughts, feelings and actions not attempted. While it is all in there, the words are not flowing well in writing or out of my mouth. I am tired of feeling like I have to pretend. I am tired of forcing through the bad moments and being the strong one. I am tired of being silenced because I am afraid to speak. I am tired of being brushed aside. I am tired of feeling less then, but more then anything I am tired of being tired. Welcome to the world of depression. There I said it. It's out there now. No fancy mood meds could save me from this last round of life continually punching me in the stomach. Life has punched a whole right through. I'm floating through my own life. Every day is some sort of charade, some days are easier to pull off the charade then others. I ...

Please note: Song lyrics in Quotations, coopyright information at bottom.  ********Trigger Warning for Sexual Assault, helpful links below************************* "Couple cover charge stamps got her hand looking like a rainbow In and out of every bar on a whim just like the wind blows She's either a bachelorette or coming off a breakup Take a drunk girl home. She's bouncing like a pinball Singing every word she never knew Dancing with her eyes closed like she's the only one in the room Her hair's a perfect mess, falling out of that dress Take a drunk girl home."      I was listening to this song when it brought me tears. I have heard this song a time or two and I really find it hard to listen to. Because sometimes, that drunk girl, well she doesn't wake up in the morning feeling good about herself. Sometimes that drunk girl wakes up in the morning with a hangover like none other, regret, sadness, and her soul is shattered.  "Take a...