Hello

I am not a fan of resolutions, as I am sure most people are. I do like the thought of reflecting on the year and making goals, I like to make three. One goal is straight up sarcasism like drink more coffee, one is something fun for me, like write a blog a month, and one is the goal I have had for years, some years get me closer to the goal than others, and that last one is to get healthy (these were the goals from 2015). This year the sarcastic goal is tell people to f^$k off more. I tend to take on too much. I try to hold onto to many strings. I care too much. I get hurt a lot. I don't just suffer from my own anxiety and depression, I obsorb other people's as well. I have to be careful who I let in my circle because I can't take care of me if I feel like I am sucked into other peoples drama. I think this is a good goal, and maybe more people should jump on this bandwagon. The second goal is to color more. Yup, I am one of those people who still colors. Sometimes I real...

I waited a while to really write about this just because well we were waiting to see if it was going to work. It hasn't been easy, it has been a lot of trying to line ducks up, and you know the thing about lining up ducks they always wander off. So we had to chase a few down. So far the lack of funds is kind of stressful at points but it is NOTHING compared to the stress we had before. The leap of faith left us poor in the pocket but rich in family life. I can't say as if this is how we really wanted to live, yes some bills are going to be late, yes we are going to need to save our tax return and life off that money at some point in the next coming year, but the love in the house is there. The boys seem to feel less stress, things are coming into a good rhythm. I have accepted the fact that the oldest child will always be my wild card, and it will never be easy, or predictable. I also see the need to give him responsibility in things HE wants responsibility in. So cooking c...

Well it's been awhile since I last wrote. Things have improved on one end and spiraled in another. I am almost 10 pounds lighter, go me, husband has a new job, oldest is well mellowing I think, middle child is adjusting well to school and the baby is getting his molars early. The end of the year is always the hardest. Money becomes tight. The holidays come in. I miss my Grampa, my other angels, and I worry about how to tie all the strings together and keep it all going afloat. I mean this feels like it is a pretty normal middle class problem................only not sure we technically qualify as middle class anymore, and that is where my problem lies. We made this wonderful change, a change that so desperately needed to happen for the emotional and relationship status of everybody who lives here. That is why we made the leap of faith. The reality is I have no clue how to make this work. NO CLUE. I don't want a hand out. We can't make it without help though. I don'...

To all who read this, this may seem like a no brainer but I just realized this like whole heart idly, like I had never thought of it before. My oldest is never going to be "normal." He is always going to struggle. There will NEVER be a moment when we have caught up. He just won't. His destiny is yet to be determined. He has yet to figure out some relatively simple things in his life. This is how he is going to be, this road, this is our forever road. This is our forever road.  I may have to watch Damian longer than I watch Jon. He may be an adult living with us. I may have to continue to build ties with the community for him. He may never be able to go to the doctors by himself. He may never be a fully functioning adult, chances are he will always need guidance. He will struggle to hold a job. He will struggle with day to day tasks, like hygiene, and remembering his laundry. This never crossed my mind. NEVER. I didn't expect this road to be our forever road. I a...

Part one wasn't personal at all because I simple wasn't ready to discuss what was going on. Since this is such a public forum I am not getting into it too deeply, it's just my perspective we shall discuss. Being a stay at home mom with a crazy schedule of doctor appointments, meetings and such between the three boys, there isn't a lot of me time. Having a husband who works nights and one vehicle doesn't make for an easy juggle of struggles. Trying to do it all and be it all is exhausting. Facebook is my only adult conversation place for the bulk of my communication, and I still only interact with about five people. Worrying about IEP's and pediatrician appointments, and being available at the drop of a hat for the schools calls doesn't help any either. Sometimes I feel like the lone ranger. Actually to be honest most of the time I feel like the ranger. I make the joke of being superwomen when really I don't feel like I do enough. I am a people please...

So there has been too much going on in the land of Chaos and maybe when life is on a more stable track and I know things are in a better direction I will write about that. For now this is my first rant/vent post. I went grocery shopping yesterday and something had happened because when I arrived somebody was being placed on a stretcher, there was a firetruck, an ambulance, and like three cop cars. I waited to go in because it was me and the baby, had I had either one of the other boys I would have gone home. We get to checkout, and the cashier is being a chatty cathy and totally being unprofessional in discussing what happened. The cashier made a comment about how the person seemed to be special needs and proceeded to spout off. Nope, not me, not going to keep my mouth shut. I shut down the cashier, oh and the person running the front of the store was the bagger. Yup schooled them too. Many people suffer from invisible illness. I have my imaginary brain tumors, depression, anxiet...

I often find the words that I can not say I write. I find it amusing I will put it all out for the world to see but yet I can barely be this honest with people in my inner circle. I think maybe it's because when I write I write for me, and I publish because well I am not popular in the bloggersphere, so about as many people in real life I would say these things to will read it here, actually it is the same people. Enough rambling. I am a wonderful advice giver. I thrive on playing therapist, I am forever going to be that mother hen figure. I swear it is in my DNA to be that person. The downside however, usually if you are that person you suck at taking your own advice. Oh and as an added bonous I am incredibly anxious and stubborn. My personality tends to make no sense, but we will touch on that another day. I have this odd medical condition, and lately with stress from life and my inability to get out of my own way it has been flaring up more often than not. Imagine your worst hea...

I was talking to a friend of mine about Christmas shopping, I know right um it's August that's a long ways off. Well yes and no. I read somewhere that it takes the average family who puts Christmas on a credit card 6 months to pay it off. Think about that for a second..............interest rates? fees? not for me. I came up with my own system. We start shopping in June. Yes you heard me, June. We spread out the damage because I don't trust myself with a credit card therefore we budget it into our plan for the year to start shopping in June for the bigger stuff. What I find is June being the start of summer can bring along some interesting clearance items, like wrapping paper from Hallmark stores for $2 a roll, or even Christmas themed items like hats, gloves, because if your kids are like mine by Christmas they will need more. I should mention this though, after Christmas is a wonderful time to snag stocking stuffers. Another inexpensive way I have found to fill stockin...

I sat in that room. I have full trust in this women. This women who is Damian's pediatrician. We discussed what has been going on. Sometimes these turn into mini therapy sessions because I don't know what of his behaviors we need to look at and track and what is typical 11 year old behavior. We discuss a lot. In that room we discussed how I was doing. We talked about how I had written out Damian's medicine list, how many pills he had left, how many refills where left, when he takes his meds and if he shows any side affects. Then she said the thing she never says, she said "This is more telling of how YOU are doing to me. The last few visits we haven't had this list." Wait. Stop. Me? But your Damian's pediatrician. Could it be that you are trying to get the whole picture or could it be that you care too. Then the words they just spilled out. The flood gates opened. We discussed everything that has been going on with Damian. All the things I wasn't g...

Summer this year has been difficult to say the least. It started with my middle child graduating from Headstart. Then I broke my ankle, same day actually. My oldest is going through puberty. The baby is teething, like in the last four months he has popped out about 6-8 teeth. My parents dog whom I loved dearly, had to be put down. Did I tell you that most of this happened in the last three weeks??? There's more but we won't go into that. What we will go into is this, whenever life with the kids gets crazy I seem to fall off my own list of people to take care of. It seems to be so simple of thing to be like okay, you need to take care of you in crazy times.  I read an article today and they refereed to it as the airplane safety life mask rule. If you want to help others you need to help yourself first. I really suck at that. I put everybody so far ahead of me, that I become useless and everything falls apart. I feel the weight of the world most days. The expectations from ...

Someday I will be beautiful. Someday I will that girl in the grocery store that a complete stranger smiles at for reasons other than that, Oh I have been there parent smile when one of the boys is in the middle of a meltdown or being loud. Someday. I say this a lot actually, someday I will be this person. Right now the only person that tells me I am beautiful and I think mean it would be my family, mainly my husband and my boys in those rare and unusual moments when they acknowledge my appearance as something other than a pillow. Even I wouldn't go as far as saying I am attractive, which is why we developed the rule that we go with hubby's opinion of my appearance or I would spend so much more time self hating. It's been a life long struggle. Food is passion, food is my savior, food runs my life sometimes. I am the head cook at Bowen Family Restaurant, a.k.a my kitchen. We started buying healthier, cutting out soda, and carbs because I love carbs. Just don't touch m...

My middle child turned 5 in April. September is going to be bittersweet. There is so much to do, so much to think about. So, so much. His MRI, and his EEG all came back normal!!! Yeah, his brain is good. However this leaves us in an interesting spot, no diagnoses. With final IEP meetings coming up, transitioning meetings, and summer school we are left with no answers. I will admit this left me wondering what to do. I freaked out for a bit, I am not going to lie. How is it that this smart, vibrant boy, who is testing at a three year old level, how is there no answers!!! What is wrong! What did I do!! Then I regrouped, it isn't anything I did. There isn't anything wrong with him. He is a smart, capable, imaginative child. We don't have to have answers. The diagnosis or lack of it doesn't change him. He is who he is. It changes me. It changes my goal. It changes my fight. I don't have answers, I don't have a diagnosis to fall back on. What I have is my figh...

The month of April is always a chaotic time. A vast majority of the family's birthday is in April. We celebrate with one big party, and then for my middle child and my husband we do a cake on their birthdays. April also holds Easter. That is usually enough to make me frazzled. This month we add a nice selection of doctor appointments to the specialist for my middle child. His sedated MRI is tomorrow. He has a sleep study at the end of the month. I have been trying not to absorb this and turn it into the shoulda,coulda,woulda's, but I am failing. I am stuck between feeling like I am okay and I can do this and just wear my advocate hat and be the professional I have been trained to respond like. What they don't teach you in school is a class on what happens when it is your child you are doing this with. There should be Welcome to Special Needs Motherhood 101. Now, if you read these ever, you might be like well actually you should be a pro at this Jessica, your stepson s...

It's March. It's been craziness here lately. I am reaching a point where I am closing out old goals and to do lists, thanks in part to a minor basement flood, and it hit me. If this is the year we get organized, complete projects and I find myself with a smidgen of time where my brain isn't bombarded by the things to do what am I going to do with myself. We started working on eating better, and cleaning out the crap out of the house. I sat on that place where you pin all the pins and time seems to fall into a black whole and I realized once again, I am losing the focus on me. It doesn't do anybody any good if the one who keeps it all together can't keep themselves together. My children are my life, but I don't want them to be my whole life. I want some part to be me, not so and so's mom/wife/granddaughter/sister/daughter whatever. I want somebody to be like hey that's Jessica. Really how do mom's keep their own identity? Is it harder for stay a...

As I walk in the hallway to that room I am all to familiar with I hit the doorway and stand taller, walk in and sit in the middle of the row of chairs, strategically as I can see everybody else in the meeting at all times. I could be in this room for either one of the older two boys. Welcome to an IEP meeting. Damian is the oldest, and he will always be the child I worry about it. It is simple, he is not good with relationships and he has a hard time regulating his emotions in a healthy way. He is on the higher end of the Autism spectrum, ADD, high level of anxiety, dyslexic tendencies, struggles with holding a pencil or silverware the correct way, has an IQ at the level of an 18 male, is good in math, inquisitive, factual, kind, and everything in between. He is starting puberty early, he noticed his voice is changing, and as I hear him laugh in the background I can hear the deeper voice coming. His numerical age is 11, his emotional age on a good day is 8, a bad day 6, IQ wise he is...

Sometimes it is a fine line on this journey between being a mom and being an advocate for my boys. I tend to do very well with giving others advice, and drag my feet when it comes to Squeaker. Part of me was hoping he would outgrow it, like all of sudden he would just be normal. He might become normal, he might catch up but the fact of the matter is, he is almost 5 and gross motor testing came back and he tests like he is three. Three. He will not be ready to start school in September. He won't be ready. The process begins for him. We will start extra therapy.  He will go see a Neurologist in April. We will hopefully see a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. We will have another IEP meeting. He will go to summer school. He will start Kindergarten in the fall of 2015. He will be my happy go lucky child. He will be the one everybody adores. He will be the one I worry about until the results come in. What if he has my pseudo tumor, what if it's not a pseudo tumor and it's a real ...